Posted Friday, February 19, 2010on:
|Music:||Galaxie 500-Listen, the Snow is Falling|
I was listening to NPR this morning on my snowy, awful drive to work and I heard a funny soundbite from The Governator, Arnold Schwarzenegger. He was speaking at a press conference for something to do with Klamath River water usage. Here’s the pro recap…
California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger praised the parties for forgetting their differences in the interests of a better future, then invoked his movie roles as The Terminator, saying, “Hasta la vista” to the dams, and adding, “I can see already the salmon fish are screaming, `I’ll be back.’”
By JEFF BARNARD, Associated Press
Upon hearing this, I thought, “Does he always quote his movies every time he’s out in public? If so, does he just use lines from his well known movies, or does he try to slip in lines from his entire oeuvre?” Yes, I say oeuvre when I’m talking to myself.
Honestly, I have no idea whether he does or not. I hope not. I don’t live in California or follow his career, so I’m totally out of touch with his speeches and goings on.
Anyway, I think you all know where I’m going with this…
Imagined Instances in Which Arnold Schwarzenegger Awkwardly Shoehorns Lines From His Movies Into His Gubernatorial Duties
Reporter: Governor Schwarzenegger! Any reaction to the Groundhog Day results from Punxsutawney?
Governator: ‘For us, zer is no spring. Just ze wind dat smells fresh before ze storm.’ VIE DO YOU PEOPLE TEENK DEES GROUNDHOG EES TINY WEATHERMAN?!!!
“…so den I said to ze Batman, ‘You’re not sending me to ze cooler!’ Ha ha…because I vas playing ze Ice Man! Get eet? But seriously, ze Girl Scouts are a wonderful organization and vee tank dem for all they have done for zee great state of Caleefornia.”
While greeting attendees at an Interfaith Prayer Breakfast…
Governator: What gods do you pray to?
Rabbi: Well, I’m Jewish…sooooo, you know, the one God. What about you?
Governator: To Crom… but I seldom pray to him, he doesn’t listen.
Rabbi: I…sorry, did you say Crom?
Governator: Ha ha ha, just keeding! Remember that line from Conan? I also pray to your God!
“To ze bears and ze chipmunks and ze moutain lions and ze moose and ze…majestic buffalo and…all de odder voodland creatures zat call Yosemite home, I say to you, ‘Prepare for a bitter harvest; winter has come at last.’”
Governator: I remember days like dees ven my father took me to ze foreest and vee ate vild blueberries. More dan 20 years ago. I vas just a boy of four or five. Ze leaves ver so dark and green den. Ze grass smelled sweet with ze spring wind..
Woman yelling from audience: Isn’t that a line from Conan the Barbarian? What about the whales?
Governator: Thank you for ze cookies. I look forward to tossing dem!
Man yelling from audience: That doesn’t even make any sense! Why aren’t you answering our questions?
Governator: I’m not a pervert! I vas just looking for a Turbo Man doll!
Woman yelling from audience: I think his time in office has dulled him to a cruel, catchphrase-spouting parody of himself. I pity you and the monster you have become, Mr. Governor.
Governator: Eet’s not a tumor!
I thought I could get in a line from Junior or Twins, but alas, it was not to be. Is it my fault that those two movies were wholly unfunny and entirely lacking in quotable quotes?