Posts Tagged ‘sad’
|Music:||Camera Obscura-I Need All the Friends I Can Get|
I sure wish my job was Internetting, because I’d be sooooo productive, all the time. I should be cleaning (or otherwise getting ready for my sis to come over) right now, but I thought I’d share some of my recent Goodwill finds instead.
I went there in search of a flower vase or two, some picture frames, and scrap fabric for embroidering. I ended up with that and a little bit more and spent like $50! Et voila!
Ok, so when exactly do you start turning into your mother/grandmother? If I’m remembering my childhood correctly, my maternal grandmother had loads of these Hummel pictures around her house. I liked them when I was little because they were kind of cute and, hey, if my grandmother liked them, they had to be awesome, right? I grew up and left these in childhood because they were a bit too cutesy. They had like five of these in the store that day. Most of them were the ultra cute, Precious Moments-style drawings. These two little darlings caught my eye because they’re so bleak and raw, like they were drawn sometime between the Great Depression and the rise of Nazi Germany.
This one caught my eye because it’s faded and a little sad, like somebody loved it in the early 70′s then gave up on it. I have no idea where it’s from, but it could be Colorado somewhere. I was talking to a friend of mine about this picture and I mentioned how I liked it because it seemed sad. I realized I say that a lot about the art I like. You don’t have to have a D. Psy. to figure that one out, but I’m often drawn to the wistful and gloomy. I realize that not a lot of other people are and I feel kind of weird citing that as a reason to like anything.
Did somebody mention frames? I mainly bought these to fill with embroidery pieces that I have yet to finish, but I might also use them for general decorating. The next piece I’m going to do (an embroidery of this) will be bigger than these, maybe 11″x14″, but these will be nice for a low commitment piece when I get tired of working on the big stuff. Maybe this will finally find a home?
I did manage to find some fabric for embroidering and two vases, but they’re not really worth a picture. Do you like thrift stores? What do you like to shop for when you’re in one?
|Music:||Red Lorry Yellow Lorry-Hollow Eyes|
So, it seems like everything in my life these days is turning into a big pile of stinky brown doody. I feel like I’m just watching myself barely make it through each day and I’m not sure what to do about it all. To make matters worse, I also don’t feel like blogging about it and that usually helps.
As compromise, let’s talk about my new camera. As I said, I hadn’t taken many pictures since losing my camera in Washington D.C. (along with an entire, striking National Mall at Night photo set), and I wanted to replace it. I ended up buying one of these…
It was pretty expensive for a compact, point and shoot, and I could have bought a nice, entry-level DLSR body for a few dollars more. I chose my little camera for, what I think are, good reasons which I’ll discuss after the period and spaces.
First, there are the issues of cost and portability. I think I’ve gotten a lot of good pictures from my pocket cameras and I’m loathe to lug around an expensive, high-maintenance image maker.
I also have a low opinion of photography as an art form. Sorry. I like taking pictures and I even try to make a lot of “arty” photos, but it’s easy for me and I feel like there’s very little skill involved. Drawing is hard. Painting takes years to master. Sculpture, fiber arts, dance, and music composition are all very challenging and each involves some practiced technique. For the most part, I feel like photography is just a way of curating life. I also like to carry a camera around with me whenever I can and taking photos all the time makes the act of photography seem less special; more common, like a sketch.
There are exceptional photographic artists, of course, but I don’t regret not buying a DSLR.
It’s a nice little camera. I can set the aperture, shutter speed, it has a lot of ISO settings, a video mode, it can shoot in RAW format, it has manual focus, it fits in the little pocket in my purse or bus bag, and it has a decent wide-angle lens. So, win win, win, win, win, win, win, win, win!
I got it on Wednesday and have been busy catching up on taking horrible photos of Miss Kitty, to wit…
And let’s not forget the arty photos in which I offer a glimpse of my naked sorrow, dread, and misery cloaked within the guise of the abstract and mundane…
|Music:||Made in Spain|
My ex and I were still a couple and on vacation. This time we were in Magic China in a guest house with a natural hot springs pool filled with three-foot-long Koi. She was on the couch watching Magic Chinese television…gymnastics, I think. I was in the pool trying to figure out how the fish could survive in such hot, briny water. Then, I was sitting next to her on the couch.
“Are you going to be ok with this?”
She turned toward me and and blinked heavy tears from her amazing, blue eyes.
“If this is what you really want…”
And then I woke up.
I’ve had variations of this dream since we broke up last May. And let’s be honest, by “broke up” I mean she moved out after months and months of my being intolerable and pushing her away. It’s been well over a year and I still don’t feel any different about her. Intellectually, post-transition, I know we’re wrong for each other. And, I don’t think I would ever have another relationship with a woman again…but still. Most of the time I regret how things turned out and how I behaved and how I treated her and how she’s utterly absent from my life now. I think about all of that and I wonder when I’ll stop feeling this way.
Are you getting old when your regrets and mistakes start winning?
In other news, congratulations Charles and Oyuna! I’m so happy for you two, again Yes, I know that seemed like a psychotic segue, but my life isn’t all misery and regret.
|Mood:||Rock*A*Teens-What Took You So Long|
|Music:||East River Pipe-So Much Hate|
I’m having one of those Friday nights. Oh, who am I kidding? This is my stock Friday night. Leave work late, eat dinner, do nothing, try not to think about it too much, then call it a night until electrolysis tomorrow. And I hate it. The house is too quiet, my thoughts are too loud, and I keep listening to the same four songs.
What Took You So Long by Rock*A*Teens
So Much Hate by East River Pipe
You’re a Bigger Jerk Than Me by The Karl Hendricks Rock Band
Up With People (live) by Lambchop
No, they’re not happy songs, but they’re not depressing either…more somber and introspective…like me, tonight. So, is there any problem Up With People can’t solve? Is there a whiskey-soaked, 2 AM insight that that song can’t provide, every time? I don’t believe there is. Every time that song comes on, it’s a light breeze on a summer’s nap, slow motion Roman candles, that second drink, and floating on your back in the lake after a sauna, staring at the stars. Up With People will bail you out of jail, any time, no questions asked.
You’re going to have to excuse this next part. I’m not feeling that great.
So, people are bullshit. If you’re able to glean one lesson from what I write, let it be this: you’re going to die someday and you will die alone. You can arrange a lifetime’s worth of friends and family around your soon-to-be-lifeless corpse, but nothing can change the fact that you’re going to take those last few steps alone. So, you might as well make a peace with solitude. I have. I don’t like it but I don’t have any other choice right now. I’m letters away from an unhinged, nightmare epic of self-pity and recrimination, so let’s just say that I feel like I’ve been trying to truly connect with people and, so far, it doesn’t seem to be working. I’m still hopeful that it’ll work out and that I’ll find my niche, but what do I do until then?
And that was my Friday. How was yours?