Posts Tagged ‘work’
|Mood:||Wubba wubba Wednesday|
|Music:||Current 93-Red Hawthorne Tree|
Holy cats, you guys! I’m actually writing a Blog, Sweet Blog post for its own sake and not just reposting mah tumblrs. Don’t get me wrong, tumblr is my new spiritual home and the place I spend most of my time, but we’ve been through a lot, this blog and I, and I can’t stop loving it just because its not tumblr. Besides, this post is relevant to Blog, Sweet Blog‘s interests, which is why I’m posting it here first.
It’s my anniversaries!
I started this blog (well, posted first anyway) on April 23, 2008, or 2.0767 years ago, give or take. I can’t begin to tell you how important this blog has been to me. It wasn’t ever about attracting readers or experimenting with practical narcissism (those came later). I’ve always considered this blog to be a safe place for dumping the crazy, discussing whatever, and letting the air out of my head. I’ll be getting to this in a minute, but it’s easy for me to forget how turbulent the first six months of HRT were for me. I had just ended a three year long relationship with, until that point, the person I loved most in the world and I was in the middle of chemically altering my body and mind. I felt unhinged most of the time and happysadangryhyperdepressedenergeticlazy the rest — but not in a bad way, if that makes sense; it felt right and weird. Anyway, I don’t think I would have done as well if I hadn’t blogged and exercised.
My little blog, bless her, has changed with me. I’ve struggled with moving from more of a personal/transition journal to an everything blog featuring my thoughts and creative work. I’m still not sure of where I want to take it, but I kind of like that it’s all over the place.
I started HRT on June 6th, 2008. I had started some other transition processes before then (started seeing a therapist, my doctor), but I think it’s fair to call that date the start of my transition. So, let’s see, that makes me 1.097 years old, in a way. I won’t ever be celebrating my “new birthday” (the old one is just fine) but I do keep the date on my calendar. Like I said above, a lot has happened since then (here are the big ones). I think the process of transition is never ending, but I feel much closer to the end almost two years later. There are still more physical changes to endure (bottom surgery, the neverfuckingending weekly electrolysis), but I feel like I might have finally graduated to late puberty, at least emotionally.
The last anniversary occurred 1.0548 years ago when I changed my name and started back to work as the real me, the girl named Anna. Life has gotten kind of weird since then, but work has always felt like a safe place. I’ve had better and worse days, but no one has ever made me feel uncomfortable or anything but loved and valued. I know that my experience, sadly, is not the norm and I can’t fairly attribute the ease of my work transition to any more than luck…ok, maybe a little bit of preparation and moxy helped .
Still, I’ve struggled with my career choice. I really don’t think I would have become an engineer if I would have transitioned earlier. I’m not 100% sure I’ll stay an engineer until retirement, but I feel a lot better about it than I did a couple of months ago. If I won the lottery or totally stopped caring about my current life, I’d move to New York or Paris and trade engineering to become a professional artist/bon vivant/salonnière/cultural maven/woman-about-town. There aren’t any plans to move in the near future, but I’m working on my writing and art in the meantime, just in case.
So that’s it, you guys, happy anniversary/birthday to me and Blog, Sweet Blog!!! I hope the following years are way easier/better than the last two.
|Mood:||not so good|
*ed. we’ve had three more since I wrote this. wtff?
Coworker instant messaging excerpt with regards to the FIFTH building-evacuating fire alarm we’ve had this month….
it’s not that i don’t love the occasional, random fire alarm, i do. in moderation, they’re a nice opportunity to hang out in the parking lot, catch up with friends and peep you guys in those orange hats. but when we have one every other week, i kind of feel like i’m in that story with the wolves and the crying. they make me want to stay in my office to see if i catch on fire.
Also, I’ve had it up to here (points to high place) with all this winter and it’s snowing. again. GUUUUHRRRRRRNNNNNNGGGGGGAAAARRRRGGHHH!!!
|Mood:||Sick Sick Sicks|
|Music:||the menu music from the (500) Days of Summer DVD|
I’m in one of those moods. I’ve been home sick for the last two days and melancholy, saturnine, lugubrious, and wistful (mostly wistful) for the last 11,680 days…give or take…and super-all-those-adjectives since Friday.
John and I just finished watching (500) Days of Summer and it made me feel ways about things. I thought it was an ok, not great, movie, but it was inspirational enough for me to be writing about it now in lieu of the post I had planned on the joys of needle craft and the online beauty and wonderment I have recently beheld. Stay tuned for that.
So, these feelings I’m having are about my life and the way it’s going. There was a pivotal scene in the movie where the young man decides he’s (spoiler alert) had enough of his dreary, greeting card writing lifestyle and decides to, once and for all and finally, give his dream of architechting architecture a go. I know, it’s a pretty played-out plot device, but as I was watching, rolling my eyes, I wondered, what would happen if I stopped rolling my eyes for a minute and actually, really tried to follow my dreams? What would happen if we all did that?
I don’t mean to say we should all quit our jobs, move to Portland, and start an indie love rock band, but what if we found a way to work really hard at the one thing that made us happy?
Why aren’t we doing that, right now?
What are we all afraid of?
Because that’s what it is. It’s fear. Fear of…something…is keeping us from opening up that amazing cupcake shop, or going to art school, or spending every single waking moment of every day listening to all the songs we want to hear with the people we love most in the world.
I’m also not saying that we’re all Emily Dickinson and Georgia O’Keeffe superstars either; most of us are just Annas and Johns and Jennifers and Chris’s and we’re all waiting around for life’s surprise ending.
We may not change the world or get rich with our one passion, but I’ll bet you a breakfast burrito and everything I own that we each have the power to make at least one other person happier. And if we can do that, then we have a good shot at making two, five, ten, maybe a hundred people happier, if only for a little while. If you’re able to find a way to combine doing what you love and improving the way we all spend the time we have left, then you win.
I’ve talked a lot recently about how I’m small-stepping my way to these other dreams; but I’m still afraid.
I hate my job.
There, I said it. I only say that because it’s not for me. If I was passionate about engineering, every day would be amazing, fulfilling, and rewarding. But I’m not and it isn’t. I think I can find a way to limp through it, but I hate lies and that is not a long-term, lie-free solution. I’m afraid of losing it and being without money and unloved and wholeheartedly committing to the one or two things I actually feel some passion for. If I put my everything into doing what I love and failed, what would be the point of going on? I guess the knowledge that I actually, really tried for once would help me pick myself up and learn how to be marginal at a job I didn’t care for. Maybe that’s good enough?
I don’t know, but I think we all need to spend this year figuring out how to let go and be amazing.
|Mood:||Eh, you know|
Why can’t every blog post be about cheese? Srsly…cheese…so great. So, hello again, Internets! I’ve been crazy busy lately but I’ve been having the urges to keep you, my virtual friends, appraised of the happenings in mah life.
Let’s start with electrolysis. If you’re scoring at home, I’ve now spent just over $4000 and 70 hours on facial hair-removal. Like I said in the title, the woman that tortures me for money and I just celebrated our one-year electrolyversaryaganza. We spent the day in the way we spend all of our days together–she stuck a needle into my face, turned on the heat, and pulled out hairs while I made awkward conversation, tried not to cry, and paid her for the privilege at the end. Srsly tho, we are making progress. My small talk is getting less and less awkward…jk. Within the next month or so, I should be able to cut down on the length of my sessions. My face seems a lot more clear than it had this summer and it seems like she’s able to get a lot done all over my face and neck. So, that’s good. I can’t imagine how much longer this will go on (forever still seems entirely reasonable), but it’s beginning to feel like less of a lifestyle and more like an occasional hobby…you know, like taxidermy…or designing evening gowns for kittehs. Then again, I think I’ve repeated that sentiment so many times that it’s beginning to sound fresh and new again. But I’m funny like that, hope and grim realism springs eternal.
Recently, my virtual friend, Jamie started electrolysis and I had a couple of thousand words of unsolicited advice for her. I won’t bore you with most of it, but it can be boiled down to electrolysis sucks and since you’re going to be doing it for the next, too-long period of time, hang in there and try not to worry about how long it takes or what did or didn’t get done that week. Also, try not to touch your face too much afterward…and drink plenty of fluids…and eat at least one apple per day…and treat yourself to ice cream every once in a while…and kittens are nice.
When I was writing the advice, I had to really think back to the beginning and how awful it was. I’ve had some painful, voluntary “medical” experiences, but electrolysis ranks among the worst. Until she completely cleared it the first time, I would shed the pain tears every time she touched my upper lip. Now, it hardly hurts at all and the lip heals faster than the rest of my face. I guess it’s easy to lose perspective when you’re fighting something every week, but hard work does pay off, kittens. And at the end, I’m totally getting an electrolysis merit badge for all of this hard work. OMG you guys, we should totally start the Trans-Scouts and have sashes with little badges for every milestone we complete…also, berets.
Mmm, what else? I started back to graduate school, click here for some hot, grad school action.
Work has been nutso-majutso and busy and frustrating. Not in a bad, permanent way, it’s just that sometimes I hate development and computers…which is super unfortunate since that’s 75% of what we do here on the farm. When I’m really having problems with, say, compiling a program, I get to feel like my forehead reverts back to Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer sticky-outy-ness and I start to drool and make a low durrrrrrrrr sound under my breath. Acio illustrative picture!
And I curse a lot, out loud. So, that’s been fun and it won’t be improving until I finish this project.
Other than failing at that project, work is going well and people seem to be happy with what I’m doing. And in September, I get to go to Washington D.C. for work!!!!! It will only be for three days, and I have to, you know, work and stuff, but I’ve never been and I’m just about to pass out from the excitement. Full-color Lincoln Memorial souvenir photos and tiny American flags for everyone! I keep having these fantasies about how me and my co-worker are going to stay in sexy hotels and be wined and dined by Washington’s Beltway elite. Perhaps we’ll become embroiled in some international intrigue or be taken on fabulous, exclusive tours of all the best Washington landmarks? Maybe we’ll be invited over to the White House for some late-night drinking and CoD:4 deathmatching with the President, Shelly O., and Al Gore? Even if none of that comes true, I’m sure I’ll still have a good time. And our hotel is dead sexy!
Two college classmates work at the USPTO in D.C., so I’m going to try and see one of them while I’m in town. I sent him an email (the coming-out kind) a couple of weeks ago when I found out I was going. After a few missed calls, we spoke on the phone. The first thing he said was, “So, are you using some kind of electronic voice box?” I laughed because it was kind of flattering and because he’s always been the type to ask the questions that no one else would think to ask, e.g. Hey guys, I think it’s time my girlfriend and I had anal sex. How can I talk her into it? It was sweet and charming, in an invasive, off-putting way. Still though, it’ll be nice to catch up with him and did I mention I’m super excited about getting to go to D.C.?
Finally, kittens, things may be improving on the Mom-acceptance front. A couple of weeks ago, she sent me an email asking about how one would go about watching my YouTube videos. They weren’t loading for her or something, so she wanted some help. She also said that she really missed my sister and I and that she was trying to get used to “the new me.” I kind of bristled at that. I’ve talked before about whether the “but I’m still the same person” defense is valid or not. After some consideration, I decided that I am pretty different. I mean, I don’t think my core sensibility has changed, but I don’t think someone would figure that out if they hadn’t spent a lot of time with “the new me.” Anyway, it makes me happy that I might be able to have a positive relationship with her again some day. In her email, it kind of sounded like she wanted to come out and see us. I would love it if that happened.
Enough already! I had better post this before someone else sends me a thoughtfully concerned email.