Blog, Sweet Blog

Archive for July 2008

Mood: Tired and sweaty, but less crazy
Music: Public Image Limited-Rise

Nicotine, Valium, Vicodin, marijuana, ecstasy and alcohol

Co, co, co ,co ,co ,co, co, co-CAINE!

Ok, I was listening to “Feel Good Hit of the Summer” by QoTSA, but it’s as good a sentiment as any right now. Maybe I’ll write more later tonight but that’s all I’ve got for now 🙂

Regarding the effects of hormones…well…nothing much has happened so far.

Mood: Tired and sweaty, but calm and kind of nice
Music: Superchunk-Cadmium

Hi Deirdre…yes, I’m still at work.  No, I have not been working all this time.  Did the usual…went down to the “gym” about an hour ago…heading home late again. Um, as the title says, this will just be rambling entry.  There’s a lot running through my head at the moment, but there doesn’t seem to be any way to squish it all into a narrative.

I don’t know, I had a good workout and didn’t eat much today, but I haven’t been able to get the swing of this week.  I’ve been drinking too much and feeling sorry for myself.  Thankfully I’m out of liquor so maybe I can have a normal school night like I’m a normal person.

I think about a lot of things when I’m working out and I wish I had a laptop or something to jot down the random thoughts.  Tonight I thought about writing Melanie back and what I would say to her.  I also thought about sending her a follow-up email entitled “Oh fuck it” and coming out to her matter of factly.  I’m not sure when I’m going to do that.  I wanted to ask her about spirituality and what she does to keep her soul in fighting shape.

Jen and I were talking about when I should come out to the fam.  I think we decided that right after my birthday (so I can collect at least one more year of presents and birthday well-wishes).  Also, Jen said she prolly isn’t going to go to Chicago.  I’d like to go and still might but I think the scrutiny/awkwardness/unasked questions will be too much to bear.  Or, maybe it will lead me to have a decent heart to heart with Mom and Aunt Debby…decisions decisions.

I was feeling kind of sad when I started exercising (on the elliptical orbital thingamawhozitz) so I directed the iPod to songs that I love…namely songs by Unrest and Stereolab and Wolfie.  God, how I love Unrest.  Sometimes though, I think that the idea of them is better than the reality.  Oh, but that idea!  I should really write in depth about my Unrest fantasies but suffice it to say that many of them involve me making out with Mark Robinson (the lead singer)…

…behind the bleachers on a chilly and overcast October day after one of his prep school’s football games.  There’s a lot of wool and plaid and promises.  Unrest’s good songs can be very sweet but there seems to be a “Catcher in the Rye” weariness or sadness to them as well.  I like that.  We’re all so young but we carry the weight of the world on our shoulders and the hopes and expectations of our parents in our pockets.  Ok, enough with the flowery prose.  Anyway, I love them, but I’m not sure that I’m setting the scene correctly.  That’s an assignment for another day.

So I was thinking of all of these bands and happy, bittersweet, marvelous, wonderful songs and I thought that they make me like sunshine’s bursting out of the hole where my heart used to be.  I want to feel like that a lot but it seems like a rare occurrence these days.  I should listen to more music until things improve.  Also, I’d like to have a nice long mega-cry.  To quote The Professor Brothers, I’d like to have an extended crygasm.  Before I get too far down the road I’d like to mourn the loss of self loathing, bad feelings, awkward relationships, stupid boy clothes, being distant, sad and alone before they have to leave.

I saw this quote from (sort of) Thoreau today…

“Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.”

Turns out, he never said that, but I like the sentiment.  Instead, the original passage from Walden is…

“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation. From the desperate city you go into the desperate country, and have to console yourself with the bravery of minks and muskrats. A stereotyped but unconscious despair is concealed even under what are called the games and amusements of mankind. There is no play in them, for this comes after work. But it is a characteristic of wisdom not to do desperate things.”

There also this from Oliver Wendell Holmes…

Alas for those that never sing,
But die with all their music in them.

I like that as well.  I want to sing.  I feel like most of my music lies within me still and it bothers me very deeply that I haven’t been able to let more of it out.  I endeavor to start singing loudly and often.

Goodnight Deirdre.

Mood: Ugh
Music: The Smiths-Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want

Ugh, fucking Mondays.  Lately, it seems like I’ve had a real problem making a go of Mondays.  I’m not sure why either.  Maybe it’s because I don’t usually exercise on the weekend, so my endorphins are lower.  Maybe it’s because I stay up late and am likely to have a small hangover.  IDK, but they have been sucking a lot lately.

I feel really alone right now.  I felt really alone this weekend.  Cassy is…?  I’m not sure where Cassy is or what she’s up to.  She didn’t call me all week.  I sent her an email on Saturday, but those are easy to ignore.  I really miss her though and it makes all of this seem like a really bad idea sometimes.  I think it’s shitty that we used to be best friends and now she won’t even talk to me on a regular basis.  On the other hand, she probably thinks it’s shitty that her fiancé changed his mind about his entire life with her.  Other than trying to stay in touch with her and being there for her, I don’t know what else I should be doing.

Jen wasn’t around much either.  She had to work all weekend and the time she was off, she didn’t spend with me.  Which is fine I guess.  I don’t expect her to be my buddy and hang out with me all the time.  We each have our own “lives” (though mine usually involves coming home late, watching TV, and going to bed early and alone).  She’s such a b itch though or she has no idea how she’s coming across.  Like today, she called to ask if I would like to come home earlier and have dinner with her.  When I didn’t answer immediately, she made a pissy comment like, “Well, I need to know what you’re going to do so I know whether to take the meat out of the freezer.”  It was nice of her to offer and make dinner for us, but I don’t respond well to thoughtful invitations couched in impatience and bad attitude.  She could have waited another ten seconds and I would have given her my answer.  Instead I told her, “maybe we can just do it tomorrow.”  Secondly though, it seems like she’s trying to make up for ditching me by planning something on her terms entirely.  She’s lived me long enough to know that I don’t do much during the week.  Like I said, I pretty much work late, go to the gym, and go to bed early.  I kind of like it that way too.  So anyway, I like how she can call me up with a kind of sweet gesture and make me feel shitty at the end of it.  IDK, maybe I’m too sensitive these days.

Regardless though, I really need to meet some new people.  I fully intend (although I’m very nervous) to go to the support group meetings at the GIC, but I want to get a decent outfit to wear.  I bought some shoes and new clothes, but I haven’t received them yet.  Hopefully, there will be some cool people there, but I am fully prepared for a major let down.  I should try to be more optimistic.  Here, here’s a smiley towards that end J.

Amway, thanks for listening Deirdre, XOXO

p.s. One more thing…I AM GETTING SOOOOO FUCKING TIRED OF HAVING TO PEE LIKE EVERY SINGLE HOUR OF THE DAY!!!!!!  ENOUGH!!!!  Ugh, it’s the Spironolactone that does it, and I’m not going to stop taking it anytime soon, but peeing all the time is very very very very very tiring.

p.p.s.  Oooh, one more thing, a good thing, I noticed that the area under my nipples is kinda sore like all the time 🙂 So that’s good, but I’m not really looking forward to being in more pain all the time.  I feel it all the time just to make sure that I’m not still sore from the gym or that it’s some kind of fluke.  Still, five weeks seems pretty early for this to start happening, but I’ll take it.

Mood: Not too shabby
Music: Mark Mothersbaugh-Ping Island/Lightning Strike Rescue Op

Not too much to say, I just wanted to make a diary entry showing I was listening to this song.  It’s a funny song title and a neat/odd song.

Wow, diary…I think I shall call you Deirdre, Deirdre the Diary!  Speaking of rhyme-y names, my family has always had an odd habit of naming their cars.  Sometimes they are rhyme-y (Rhonda Honda or Jimmy the GMC) and sometimes they are not (Pearl the RX8 and Hank the Land Cruiser).  I bought a brand new, shiny, black Mazdaspeed 3 about six months ago and have had a hard time coming up with a name for her.  I was going with Speed 3 Gonzalez as she is very fast and Mexican!  (jk)  Actually, Speedy Gonzalaez has always been one of my favorite Looney Tunes characters.  Having said that, I was never really happy with my choice of names. Amway, I was driving home late at night a couple of weeks ago when, I swear, my little race cat of a car told me her name was Mia.  It wasn’t like she said, “Hello there!  I just wanted to let you know that I prefer to be called Mia.  It’s much more fitting than to be associated with a cartoon mouse.”  It was more like, the name Mia forcefully entered my consciousness as my car’s new name.  So, Mia the Mazda it is!  I think the name Mia fits her perfectly.  Mia could be considered a goth or at least a fan of the dark side (she wears black all the time).  She is very intelligent and possesses an understated beauty.  She’s also very athletic, but most people would never guess it by looking at her.

Mood: Pretty good
Music: Get Ready for Love-Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

11:00 am

Yeesh, sorry diary. I got a bit off track (which is a nice way to put it) and didn’t get a chance to finish up my entry for yesterday. Yesterday was a shitty day. I was tired and felt miserable, sad, cranky, and ill-tempered most of the day yesterday…

2:45 pm

…First off, I slept poorly. I went to sleep kinda late (1 am) and then had a hard time getting ton sleep due to post-leg shaving itch and the weird stress/anxiety burning sensation in my right shoulder with maybe some heartburn thrown in for good measure. So, I woke up in a bad mood. That bad mood and lack of energy contributed to a less than productive (and I’m being very generous) day at work.

Then, Cassy IM’d me and that did not go well at all. I called her twice over the holiday weekend and she never got back to me. Her friend from Seattle was in town, so I guess she was busy. I tried to give her some crap about not calling me back and she immediately got shitty and threw me a “whatever” at the end. She probably doesn’t know it, but it hurts me a lot when she’s randomly (it seems) mean to me. It makes me feel like things are not getting any better and I seriously wonder if things ever will. I still have faith that they will and still, very little time has passed since we broke up. It can be very tiring though. And now, I don’t want to email her or write her back on IM or anything. I probably should though. That’s what an adult would do, right?

To top it all off, I had to see Sarah, my therapist. I did not want to see her, felt like I had nothing to say, felt like I “had” to go, etc. So, we had a bit of an awkward time yesterday and ended up talking about, like the plutonium spill (?) and people at work. At the end of the sesh, I told her that I wasn’t getting a lot out of therapy and wanted to know what her plans were for me. I realize that my frustration is coming on kind of early. I think I will need someone like her to talk to as things move along more in transition. So, my next appointment isn’t for another three weeks, which is good. After that, I might move to maybe once a month until there is more transition drama. Did I just rephrase what I just said a few sentences back?

Regarding transition milestones and all, my next milestone will be in a bit less than two months when I go back to see Dr. W for my 3 month follow-up. After that, idk? I’m not sure what I should be doing and I should really know or be in the process of making a list or something. Maybe I can work on that today? I know I need to see about sperm banking in the very near future (like the next couple of weeks). Ugh, there’s always an opportunity to spend more money on your transition. And then…um, I guess I’ll start coming out to friends and family in the fall. I think I’ll have to evaluate when it will be appropriate to come out at work around January or February.

Reregarding the effects of hormones (thanks a lot work for messing up my diary time…wtf work? Seriously!?), um, as I said before, not a lot has happened. As proof, here are a couple of pictures taken today, just over one month on hormones.

Wow, I am not attractive at all. Ok, I like my eyes I guess, maybe my cheeks, but that’s about it. My hair makes me want to cry and my chin/neck combination is just criminal. I guess you can’t see it from the photos, but my chin and neck are joined together in a continuous sheet of ugmo. It’s kind of hard to see me on the other side of all this. Amway, hormone effects…um, I’ve noticed that I am much more prone to nausea (which is a side effect of both the Spiro and Estrogen) and tend to feel nauseous later in the day regardless of whether or not I’ve had anything to eat. Spiro makes you pee a lot more. I feel a bit more calm and I’m pretty sure that it might be from the hormones (as opposed to feeling good about moving forward with transition). I think that’s about it. Looking back on older photos, you can see how much of an effect the laser hair removal has had. I never had a really full, beard, but it has cleared out a lot of hair in just a couple of sessions. Speaking of, after this weekend, I’m going to see if I’m still getting good results from the laser. If I’m not, I’ll have to start with electrolysis.

I don’t have time to talk about this now, but here’s a quote from the movie “Into the Wild” that pierced my heart like an electric spear…

“When you forgive, you love, and when you love, God’s light shines upon you.”

Wow. I’ll talk more about this later on.


an introduction





Hi, I'm Anna and I love cheese!

This blog is a chronicle of my life and a catalog of happy ephemera. The About page has a little bit more information, but, remember, none of this is really me...it's just a supplement, a thumbnail sketch, a mostly anonymous Intarwebs placeholder. I'm way better/less wordy in person. :-)

Oh, and if I wrote something about you and you thought it was mean or hurtful, I'm sorry. It's how I felt at the time, but probably isn't how I feel now. Chances are, I love you and I think you're awesome.

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