Blog, Sweet Blog

Random thoughts

Posted on: Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Mood: Tired and sweaty, but calm and kind of nice
Music: Superchunk-Cadmium

Hi Deirdre…yes, I’m still at work.  No, I have not been working all this time.  Did the usual…went down to the “gym” about an hour ago…heading home late again. Um, as the title says, this will just be rambling entry.  There’s a lot running through my head at the moment, but there doesn’t seem to be any way to squish it all into a narrative.

I don’t know, I had a good workout and didn’t eat much today, but I haven’t been able to get the swing of this week.  I’ve been drinking too much and feeling sorry for myself.  Thankfully I’m out of liquor so maybe I can have a normal school night like I’m a normal person.

I think about a lot of things when I’m working out and I wish I had a laptop or something to jot down the random thoughts.  Tonight I thought about writing Melanie back and what I would say to her.  I also thought about sending her a follow-up email entitled “Oh fuck it” and coming out to her matter of factly.  I’m not sure when I’m going to do that.  I wanted to ask her about spirituality and what she does to keep her soul in fighting shape.

Jen and I were talking about when I should come out to the fam.  I think we decided that right after my birthday (so I can collect at least one more year of presents and birthday well-wishes).  Also, Jen said she prolly isn’t going to go to Chicago.  I’d like to go and still might but I think the scrutiny/awkwardness/unasked questions will be too much to bear.  Or, maybe it will lead me to have a decent heart to heart with Mom and Aunt Debby…decisions decisions.

I was feeling kind of sad when I started exercising (on the elliptical orbital thingamawhozitz) so I directed the iPod to songs that I love…namely songs by Unrest and Stereolab and Wolfie.  God, how I love Unrest.  Sometimes though, I think that the idea of them is better than the reality.  Oh, but that idea!  I should really write in depth about my Unrest fantasies but suffice it to say that many of them involve me making out with Mark Robinson (the lead singer)…

…behind the bleachers on a chilly and overcast October day after one of his prep school’s football games.  There’s a lot of wool and plaid and promises.  Unrest’s good songs can be very sweet but there seems to be a “Catcher in the Rye” weariness or sadness to them as well.  I like that.  We’re all so young but we carry the weight of the world on our shoulders and the hopes and expectations of our parents in our pockets.  Ok, enough with the flowery prose.  Anyway, I love them, but I’m not sure that I’m setting the scene correctly.  That’s an assignment for another day.

So I was thinking of all of these bands and happy, bittersweet, marvelous, wonderful songs and I thought that they make me like sunshine’s bursting out of the hole where my heart used to be.  I want to feel like that a lot but it seems like a rare occurrence these days.  I should listen to more music until things improve.  Also, I’d like to have a nice long mega-cry.  To quote The Professor Brothers, I’d like to have an extended crygasm.  Before I get too far down the road I’d like to mourn the loss of self loathing, bad feelings, awkward relationships, stupid boy clothes, being distant, sad and alone before they have to leave.

I saw this quote from (sort of) Thoreau today…

“Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.”

Turns out, he never said that, but I like the sentiment.  Instead, the original passage from Walden is…

“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation. From the desperate city you go into the desperate country, and have to console yourself with the bravery of minks and muskrats. A stereotyped but unconscious despair is concealed even under what are called the games and amusements of mankind. There is no play in them, for this comes after work. But it is a characteristic of wisdom not to do desperate things.”

There also this from Oliver Wendell Holmes…

Alas for those that never sing,
But die with all their music in them.

I like that as well.  I want to sing.  I feel like most of my music lies within me still and it bothers me very deeply that I haven’t been able to let more of it out.  I endeavor to start singing loudly and often.

Goodnight Deirdre.

2 Responses to "Random thoughts"

[…] to seduce me.  I’ve already written at length about the charms of Mark RObinson and Unrest here, but let me reiterate.  For me, Unrest is like hanging out with the cool, troubled kids in prep […]

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Hi, I'm Anna and I love cheese!

This blog is a chronicle of my life and a catalog of happy ephemera. The About page has a little bit more information, but, remember, none of this is really's just a supplement, a thumbnail sketch, a mostly anonymous Intarwebs placeholder. I'm way better/less wordy in person. :-)

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