Blog, Sweet Blog

Late at night when the world’s asleep

Posted on: Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Mood: Wide-awake and agitated
Music: There is no music

Hey Deirds,

What’s up?  So, it’s like 2:13 in the morning and I cannot sleep at all.  So, I decided to use this time for something positive and decided to write you.

So, last night I decided to watch Reign Over Me on DVD.  The plan was that I would go to the liquor store (they’re now open here on Sundays) and get really drunk in the hopes that I would experience a full-on crygasm.  You see Deirdre, I haven’t had a good cry since…early puberty?  It’s not that I’ve always felt totally shut down emotinally, but I haven’t really been able to express my sorrow with anything more than a few tears.  Even at my Grandmother’s funeral, prolly the saddest event I have experienced so far, I was not able to fully cry.  I’ve come close a few times through the aid of hard drinking.  I’ve been on hormones for two months now (woo to tha hoo) and I feel like I should be able to have an emotional release any day now.  So, as I said, I got really drunk and watched that movie.  It was very sad, but in good/unexpected ways.  I thought it would be super hard to watch because I don’t think I’ve really processed what happened on September 11.  I don’t think I really worked through my 9-11 feelings, but I sure had a good cry.  Not a great cry (aka a crygasm, thanks Professor Brothers) but it was pretty good.  I know this is always welling under the surface, but until it actually comes out, it’s hard to imagine that I’m actually crying for myself and mourning everything that has happened to me.  That’s why I want a crygasm so badly (a sober one though).  I want to fully address every single shitty or not so great thing that has happened to me since puberty I guess (my transition, the loss of Cassy, my Grandma E’s and Grandpa P’s deaths, the ginormous mistakes my mother made with us, the distance between me and my father and the rest of my extended family, my cousin’s suicide, my rocky relationship with Jen, my mountain of regrets, my odd drinking problem, and on and on) and shed a tear for each of them.  After that, I want them to leave me alone and let me get on with my life.  I am so sick of carrying all of this around with me and being troubled and having this horrible past and these burdens.  I am ready to move on with my life and I think I can actually do it this time.  My transition is going pretty well and I feel so much more happy and in control than I have in years.  Still though, I think I need to put all of this behind me if I want to create a fulfilling and happy life.  So, I’m still on the lookout for my crygasm.

So, I’ve been on hormones for two months now.  I went to go pick up my prescription today.  I think things are going well, but it seems like everything moves so slowly now.  Honestly tho, I think it just seems that way.  I look in the mirror every day now and I scan my face for changes and proof that the balance has shifted from he to she.  It’s getting better, but I’m still pretty frustrated with what I see in the mirror.  Also, I’m really frustrated that I still get “sir’d” all the time.  I know it’s still really early and my hair will never help, but it’s hard to hear.  It’s like a tiny piece of marble is removed from my sculpture.  I hope it changes pretty soon and it’s hard for me to pass.  That’ll bring up some “fun” new challenges, but at least it’s progress.

In other transition news, I went to my last laser appointment last week.  I think I’ve gotten a lot of clearing from the laser, but it just doesn’t seem to be working anymore.  I’ll check myself out at the end of this week, but it looks like I need to start electrolysis.  I’m scared tho.  I’m scared it will hurt and, frankly, I’m scared of spending more money more frequently.  It seems like I have been hemmoraging money lately so every single expenditure kind of gives me the willies.  Everything will get better, but the next 4 months seem a bit grim.  Ummm, I think i’ve decided on my name.  God, it seems like I’ve been thinking about this for ages and I’ve analyzed it to death like I do with most other things,  But it’s an important decision and one I need to stick with for prolly the rest of my life.  So, it was pretty much down to Megan or Anna and I think I really like Anna a lot.  From wikipedia…

Anna is a Latin form of the Hebrew name Hannah (Hebrew: חַנָּה or Channah, meaning “favor” or “grace.”)

So, yeah, I think we have a winner.  Jen and I went out to Traxx on Friday (I had an excellent time, but that is for another diary entry) and she was using it a lot.  IDK, hearing it felt right and I can’t find any fault with it (other than the fact that my doctor has the same name, but there’s no connection).

Ok, I getting tired now…just wanted to check in with you Deirdre…it’s been a while.

XOXO,

Anna?

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an introduction





Hi, I'm Anna and I love cheese!

This blog is a chronicle of my life and a catalog of happy ephemera. The About page has a little bit more information, but, remember, none of this is really me...it's just a supplement, a thumbnail sketch, a mostly anonymous Intarwebs placeholder. I'm way better/less wordy in person. :-)

Oh, and if I wrote something about you and you thought it was mean or hurtful, I'm sorry. It's how I felt at the time, but probably isn't how I feel now. Chances are, I love you and I think you're awesome.

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All content on Blog, Sweet Blog is copyrighted by me, Anna Hell. Unless otherwise noted, all photos, words, and content on this site are mine, created by me, and should not be used without my permission (or at least attributed and linked back). I try to embed links or quote original source material if I use another person's work.

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