Blog, Sweet Blog

Archive for August 12th, 2008

Mood: Still kinda mad
Music: The US national anthem (being played for Michael Phelps and his team)

So, my sister has dated a lot of girls since she came out…of the closet…as a lesbian…who is “into” other women!  A couple of them have been alright (truth be told, I only really liked two of them), but, to be blunt, most of them have seemed like random losers.  Jen has dated two girls since moving in with me.  The first one kind of fizzled out (she’s like 21, gasp!) and the second one is just getting started.  This second one has already showed up at the house drunk, at 9:45 on a school (Sunday) night, looking for Jen…and this was a week or so after they first met.

The first time Jen brought the new one over, we got into a fight about it.  Jen wanted to have some time at the house with this girl and I felt like she was being very inconsiderate given my delicate condition…LOL.  So, she sent me a pouty text and I relented by saying she could do whatever she wanted.  Here’s the thing about Jen, she doesn’t respond to the guilt of, “fine, <sniff>, do whatever you want <sob>, I’ll be alright.”  She just goes about her merry way and does whatever the hell she wants.  So anyway, Jen comes home with the new girl and I hide out in my room for the rest of the night.

*side note, “Night Gallery” was just on and they played an adaptation of the HP Lovecraft story “Cool Air”.  It was neat to see it after reading the story.*

Anyway, Jen comes home late tonight and after saying hello says, “New girl’s coming upstairs.  I’m really drunk.”  So I go upstairs to put a shirt on to cover up my cami.  I come back down and there’s new girl, watching tv while Jen is out walking the dog.  She apologizes again for coming over and acting like an asshole on Sunday and then tries to make some small talk.  At this point, I am livid and it’s all I can do not to yell, “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE YOU FUCKING LOSER.  CHANCES ARE YOU’RE GOING TO END UP ON THE DUNG HEAP OF LOSER EXES IN TWO MONTHS ANYWAY SO WHY DON’T YOU SAVE YOURSELF SOME GRIEF AND RUN AWAY FROM HERE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!”  So, I take solace in my new favorite angry pastime, cleaning the kitchen.  Now, I’m not sure when cleaning the kitchen became my new, odd obsession, but it has edged out masturbation and reading books as “most relaxing pastime ever.”  Like maybe it’s because I have my method down, or it only takes a little bit of work to make it look nice, idk, but cleaning the kitchen rilly makes me feel good these days.  Weird, no?  Also, whenever I’m engaged in a little crazy kitchen cleaning (CKC for short), I always think back to Toni Collette doing the same thing in the movie, In Her Shoes.  In case you were wondering, yes I am Toni Collette and Jen is totally the Cameron Diaz character.

Anyway, I’m putting away the dishes, filled with rage, and new girl is trying to make the small talk with me.  “So, you’re an electrical engineer?  I know electrical warehousing (lol, wtf?) but I’m not familiar with electrical engineering.  Do you do like design or schematics or something, duuuuurrrrrrrr, <slobber>, <drool>.  It’s rilly hard to explain what I do to the average person during the best of circumstances, but I was so not in the mood tonight.  So, I answer her “questions” through gritted teeth (why didn’t she just go outside with Jen?) and somehow refrain from pulling a knife on her, but she had to know that I was rilly unhappy with how events were unfolding.  Thankfully they went upstairs quickly and I’m sure they’re doing it right now.

So, I’m upset about the new girl situation for a lot of reasons.  1) I’m a transsexual woman trying to get by in a world that doesn’t really approve. 2) This is my house and it’s important that I’m able to feel safe here.  C) New girl is ugly, seems dimwitted, and strikes me as a domestic violence/meth-bust/armed robbery conviction waiting to happen.  In other words, new girl seems pretty much like every other fucking loser that my sister brings home.  Seriously, is Jen so starved for attention that she’ll bring in any stray off the street that wags its tail?

I feel like the crotchety old sorority house mother who’s always trying to keep rude young men from getting into my sweet, but very, very naïve girls’ frilly unmentionables.  Like, I feel like if I don’t keep my good eye on new girl, she’ll rob us blind and then invite a bunch of gypsies in and they’ll take over the place and then Jen and I will be homeless!

Ugh, I really don’t like this girl and I hate that Jen brings her over all the time and that she cares not a whit about my feelings.  Double ugh!  It’s 12:48 and I was soooo tired today and I went to be very late last night and now I don’t feel like going to sleep!!!!  WTF!  I have been insomnia-ish for the last couple of weeks and I’ve just about had enough.

Mood: Not interested
Music: The Fan-Hrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmm

Hey Deirds, so I cannot/do not want to go to sleep and I really should.  I called in sick today and used my time off for absolutely nothing except for eating oatmeal raisin cookies that I made last night (and they are delicious, thank you very much) and playing Halo 2 (at least I finished it today).  I guess I was feeling ok today (but fat) and I justified my lack of motivation by convincing myself that I’m still recovering from my 7.7 mile hike (and accompanying ginormous blisters) at Elk Meadow Open Space on Saturday.  That was a weird day.  I’m glad I went and it was fun-ish, but it’s like I was channeling super in-shape hiker girl or something…like it was something I had to do.  Exercise has been feeling like that a lot lately…like it keeps the voices quiet and shoos away the demons for an afternoon.  But I was so tired and borderline hypothermic at the end of it.  When I got home that night (and after the usual Saturday night bath routine) I ordered a medium pizza and ate most of it.  See you later, chance to lose weight!  Sayonara, self-control!  Good day, crumbling in the face of adversity!  Oh whatever…like it matters.  That hike prolly burned like 7000 calories, so it’s most likely a break-even proposition.  Seriously though, despite the soaking wetness, exhaustion, and pre-hypothermia I had a pretty good time…like I picked some flowers and sang along to the iPod on the last couple of miles.  If only life were as easy as a summertime hike in the mountains.

I’m really down on transition right now and I think it has to do with my money problems.  Like my credit card is maxed out and I only have this paycheck to live on (and pay all of my others bills with) until next month.  Plus, I made an electrolysis appointment and I have an appointment with Dr. S scheduled…I’m going to be canceling that.  It’s like all of the progress I’ve made is gone (or seems to be) after one bad day.  Ugh.  Hopefully work will be better tomorrow…and I have a three day weekend coming up starting Friday.  Another hike might be in order.



p.s.  Hey Deirds, did you notice that I signed my name Anna?  That’s because I pretty sure that that’s the name I’m going to be using.  I’ve been rolling it around in my head for the past couple of weeks and it seems to fit really well.  Now if I could only figure out how to write it in cursive!

p.p.s.  Oh, in case you were wondering, no, Cassy has not written me back yet.  I sent her her check on Thursday and still nothing.  I miss her so much and…I…I don’t know…I just want us to be friends.  It’s prolly not true, but it kills me to think that she thinks I’m a freak and that’s why she can’t bear to be associated with me any more.  Like, my money problems would pretty much be over if I sold her engagement ring but I just can’t bring myself to do that.  I keep thinking that I’ll be able to give it back to her one day.  Right now though, that does not seem like a probable outcome.

p.p.p.s.  Should I be posting my better emails in here?

p.p.p.p.s.  Really?  p.p.p.p.s?

an introduction

Hi, I'm Anna and I love cheese!

This blog is a chronicle of my life and a catalog of happy ephemera. The About page has a little bit more information, but, remember, none of this is really's just a supplement, a thumbnail sketch, a mostly anonymous Intarwebs placeholder. I'm way better/less wordy in person. :-)

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August 2008