Blog, Sweet Blog

Archive for September 2008

Mood: Totally crazy
Music: The nothing

So, I just had my first real annual review and it went awesome.  My boss seems to be very happy with my work and wants me to succeed.  So that’s good, but why do I feel so unhinged?  I went to the bathroom a few minutes after the meeting and I just wanted to cry.  Everyone is so nice to me here and I’m just getting to know them.  I don’t want to have to tell everyone, surprise, it’s a girl, but I have no choice.  That makes me sad.  Like I don’t want to have to gamble away the good will I’ve earned.  I just want people to treat me with respect and be happy with my work.  Not that that won’t happen, I’m just unsure.

Ugh, these last couple of weeks have sucked major.  I wasn’t getting much sleep and it was really messing with my normally cheery outlook/disposition.  I was freaking out about my review and the fact that I haven’t felt productive in the least.  I sent Cassy a pretty depressed email.  She sent me a reply saying she’s seeing someone else

…………………….. (<- dramatic pause).

It’s been about a week and I still haven’t replied back to her.  I want to yell at her for a couple of hours, but what’s the point?  I made her miserable and broke her heart.  She deserves to be happy, but her note really hurt.  Like, I am so fucking far away from wanting to get involved with another person…it’s just inconceivable that she could jump back on the horse so soon.

Also, it’s almost one month before I send my coming out letters to everyone and the anticipation is doing my head in for reals.  I can’t wait to send them but I’m scared to death of the result and I hate having to put things off until then.  Mom sent me an email asking if I’d like to come out to MO for Thanksgiving.  I told her I’d have a better idea after my birthday.  I wanted to say, “Ummm, I’m not sure Mom.  Even if you haven’t already disowned me by then, dinner is still going to be really awkward.  Is that the sort of thing you want?”  I should ask Becca how she handled that.  Her video where she came home after visiting her folks at Thanksgiving is like the saddest thing I’ve seen on YouTube. Ugggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I went for my three month checkup the Friday before last.  I still haven’t gotten my blood test results back, but my doctor seemed to think I was doing alright.  She gave me another proscription but will send out a change if my T levels are still too high.  And she felt me up during the exam…which was kind of weird, kind of cool.  I dunno, I was expecting a lot more than just a cursory exam and I felt like she kind of rushed me out of there.  No news is good news I guess.  I’ve lost about 16 pounds since my last exam and she didn’t think that was due to loss of muscle.  Also, my blood pressure went down.  I need to confirm, but I think it dropped from pre-hypertensive to normal.  So that’s really good.  Electrolysis continues to suck but Luanne, the owner/electrolygist, is funny and makes me feel better.

Allright, I feel a little better.  Thanks for listening Deirds.

Mood: Distraught, like an abandoned house’s window shutter flapping in a cold wind
Music: Sonic Youth-The Diamond Sea

Wow, I got the strongest urge to leave work about 15 minutes ago and it has not subsided.  It might be that I’m more hormonal, but I hate it here right now and I want to cry.  This whole week has been a waste.  I haven’t done a goddamned thing except for write emails to people and work on/watch YouTube videos and I could be doing that at home.  I wish writing emails and working on YouTube was my job.

I feel like, no I am, a ghost at work.  I come in at some point, sit at the computer, and leave 8 or 9 or 10 hours later usually without ever talking to anyone or doing anything productive.  And I feel like they’re going to find out at any moment.  I even try to refrain from using the restroom and manage to hold it most of the day…, which is not good.  I’m embarrassed to use the men’s bathroom now…it’s like I’m admitting defeat.  I don’t belong in there but I don’t belong in the women’s restroom just yet.

I hate my clothes and what I feel like I have to wear.  I know I’m passing less and less by the second, but spring feels like an eternity away.  I want to connect with these people here so badly but I feel like there’s no point in it right now; like I need to be living full-time before I can form any sort of decent relationship with anyone.  I hate that I have to walk around with days of beard growth before going to electrolysis.  I’m going twice this week and I’m not really looking forward to it.  I just wish I was done with it.

I think about my coming out letter every time I speak to any of my family.  Mom suggested I come out for Thanksgiving.  I told her I’d have a better idea at the end of October…after I sent my letter.  Will she still want me to visit after she reads it?  Even if she does, will I still want to go?  The pressure of having to maintain this façade around my Grandfather while Mom, Tom, and Debbie know everything seems unbearable and I can’t think of a worse way to spend a holiday.  I guess I’m going to have to spend it with them eventually though.

And it’s cold and rainy and I decided to wear shorts for some dumb reason (I think it’s because I hate my guy pants) and I think my kitty is sick.  Last night she must have used the litter box 15 times but hardly produced any urine.  I just looked information up on the Internet and I feel a lot worse.  If she has an obstruction, she could die within 24-48 hours!  I just want to go home and lay with her in bed until…October?  But I can’t.  I have an appointment with Luanne then Dr. W tomorrow and I feel like I need to shave my legs before I see her.

I like Jasmine though.

I wanted to write a couple of emails to some YouTubers but I do not feel like it.  I’m surprised I have the energy to write this.  I just want to go home and sleep.

Mood: I feel nice, like a warm blanket and a cup pf hot cocoa on a cold night.
Music: Part G-DJ Shadow & Cut Chemist

I just had to post this.  My Dad and I have been emailing each other a lot lately.  Today he sent me a short note with the subject “general election” and these words at the top…

MACCAIN……BOY I LIKE THE TEAM……AND NOT BAD LOOKING

Yes, my father composes his emails entirely in  capital letters and he writes in sentence fragments.  I fucking hate what Bush and his friends have done to this country, so I unloaded on dear old Dad with both barrels.  To wit…

Umm, I going to have to totally disagree with you about McCain/Palin Dad.  John McCain may have been a maverick at one time eight years ago, but he’s since become a Republican lap dog.  He’s as in the pocket of Big Oil as Cheney or Bush.  Do you remember how fucking abysmal the last eight years have been, Dad?  Remember how the economy’s in the shitter and how high gas prices are, how we’re in the middle of a totally unnecessary war that Bush and his buddies invented the need for that’s costing us about 12 BILLION DOLLARS PER MONTH, how this group of Republicans has managed to spend more than any other Democrat in the history of the US, how most of the world hates us now, and how this President has totally fucking failed to dismantle Al Quaeda or find Osama Bin Laden (remember, the reason we went to war in the first place?)?

John McCain is not going to change our country’s course one bit.  He’s too old doesn’t have the energy or strength of character to put any of his “maverick” ideals into action.  Yes, Palin is an alright looking woman but she is a corrupt and vacuous person who’s only government experience is running a town of under 10,000 and a year of running the least populous state in the union.  Plus, she’s a fucking Pentecostal…you know, they’re the ones that handle snakes and speak in tongues.  If McCain kicks the bucket during his presidency (which is likely), she’s going to make Bush’s marriage of church and state seem like the Spanish goddamned Inquisition.  Aren’t you tired of these religious nut jobs running things and telling you what to believe?  If you don’t mind watching as the US goes completely off the rails and if you want to see Jeanie’s son get killed in Iraq, in other words, if you really hate America, then yes, by all means, vote for McCain.

I think Obama is the next JFK.  He seems like the kind of guy that has the intelligence, strength of character, and leadership it will take to pull us out of the sinkhole that Bush has left us in.  I don’t know what you’ve heard, but Obama is not a Muslim extremist…he’s not even a Muslim.  I think Obama will enable the US to become a leader in alternative fuel systems (and not that E85 bullshit corn crutch) which will have the entire world at our doorstep again.  It’s likely he’ll end the war and use that money to fund our economic recovery and science/technology research, not raise taxes.  This country needs some serious change or we’re going to be watching its final act.  Obama is the only candidate I have seen since Clinton (and he’s better than Clinton) that can make real change happen…and he’s going to win.  You might as well get on the winning side now while there’s still time.  Tell your friends!

Ok, I’m done ranting now…that’s a long enough email.  Keep writing and if you have a decent pro-McCain argument, I’ll listen.

Do you think I was too hard on him?  I sort of regret it, but he’s a big boy and I’m sure he can handle it.  He should have known (and prolly does now) that I will not stand for such idle political chatter.  Stakes is high, y’all.

In other news, I finally managed to shoot the first three video logs for YouTube.  Once I got everything set up, it was pretty easy and kind of fun.  I still need to edit them and figure out some sort of funny intro, but they’re close to being done.

Mood: Retrospective
Music: Superchunk-Saving My Ticket

Hey there Deirds, long time no write.  Well, I have been plenty busy and writing a lot, just haven’t been writing in here.  I just picked up my fourth prescription so I thought I’d post some new pictures and talk about the effects HRT have had on me so far.  On to the pictures…

*ed. note:  Yes, these are also personal…and wholly unflattering, therefore they will not be included.

Obviously my hair is a bit longer.  It looks like I have more hair on top but it might just be the longer hairs looking like there’s more coverage up there (ugh).  My chin is a little bit more distinct and actually looks like a separate entity from my neck.  The shape of my face looks a bit different, but it’s hard to describe.  It might just be that I’ve lost more weight.  The hair on my upper lip is killing me but I have to grow it out for my weekly electrolysis sessions.  It’s nice that Luanne was able to get that last little patch on my chin.  I don’t know, I’m getting happier with what I see in the mirror/camera, but it’s slow.

Regarding the other body changes…my skin is definitely softer and more thin (I can see the veins underneath easier), more dry as well.  I’m noticing a lot of little wrinkles on my face and I don’t know if that’s due to aging (sigh) or the fact that my skin is thinner and more dry.  My hands get dry easier…it’s almost like a prune hands feeling.

As I said before, my breasts are kind of out of control right now.  I know it’s because I have a lot of body fat right now.  They’re still kind of misshapen like man boobs, but it’s easy to see that there’s more going on than that.

The hair growth on my forearms, chest, and around my navel seems to have slowed down a bit.  Right now, I shave every week, so it’s easy to track my hairs’ progress.  I’ll be so glad when I can go more than a week without shaving and not have it be really noticeable.

Emotionally, I’m still about the same.  Actually, looking back, that first month was pretty hard…like I felt pretty sad or felt like I needed to have a huge cry while I was exercising.  I haven’t felt that like that for a few weeks at least.  I’ve felt either mellow or really happy/giddy, which has been a nice change of pace.  My motivation is pretty high.  I’ve been able to get a lot of stuff done at home.  Work is a different story though.  I feel like I’ve been way more interested in YouTube than getting any work done.  I think the problem is that I’m having a hard time getting started on this new software project and it kind of freaking me out.

What else…I may have mentioned it before, but either my sense of smell has increased or my tolerance for bad smells has decreased significantly.  Like last night, I was walking around the house try to sniff out the source of some foul odor that has permeated the house.  I think it might be the rotting chicken (yes, I know, eww) that’s in the trash in the garage, but I’m not sure.  Hopefully that clears off when the trash gets picked up tomorrow.  If it doesn’t, I’m going to have to burn the house down and start fresh somewheres else…lol, jk!

I may have mentioned this before as well, but my appetite seems to have increased.  Like sometimes, I’ll just find myself at the refiregerator grazing on something and I’ve made oatmeal raisin cookies twice in the last five weeks!  Thankfully, I’m still exercising, not really dieting though.  I’d hate to think what I’d be like if I wasn’t.  Speaking of, I’ve decided that I’m not going to lift weights any more.  I might do some yoga or pilates, but it’s going to be mostly walking, hiking, or bike riding from here on.  I’d rather start from a place of reduced muscle mass and fat and then build from there.  I’m also trying to eat more good carbs (whole grains, vegetable, etc) and less protein and fats.

Oops, gotta go Deirds.  I’m going to call Mom when I get home.

XOXO,

Anna


an introduction





Hi, I'm Anna and I love cheese!

This blog is a chronicle of my life and a catalog of happy ephemera. The About page has a little bit more information, but, remember, none of this is really me...it's just a supplement, a thumbnail sketch, a mostly anonymous Intarwebs placeholder. I'm way better/less wordy in person. :-)

Oh, and if I wrote something about you and you thought it was mean or hurtful, I'm sorry. It's how I felt at the time, but probably isn't how I feel now. Chances are, I love you and I think you're awesome.

copyright

All content on Blog, Sweet Blog is copyrighted by me, Anna Hell. Unless otherwise noted, all photos, words, and content on this site are mine, created by me, and should not be used without my permission (or at least attributed and linked back). I try to embed links or quote original source material if I use another person's work.

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