Blog, Sweet Blog

I don’t want to be here anymore!

Posted on: Thursday, September 11, 2008

Mood: Distraught, like an abandoned house’s window shutter flapping in a cold wind
Music: Sonic Youth-The Diamond Sea

Wow, I got the strongest urge to leave work about 15 minutes ago and it has not subsided.  It might be that I’m more hormonal, but I hate it here right now and I want to cry.  This whole week has been a waste.  I haven’t done a goddamned thing except for write emails to people and work on/watch YouTube videos and I could be doing that at home.  I wish writing emails and working on YouTube was my job.

I feel like, no I am, a ghost at work.  I come in at some point, sit at the computer, and leave 8 or 9 or 10 hours later usually without ever talking to anyone or doing anything productive.  And I feel like they’re going to find out at any moment.  I even try to refrain from using the restroom and manage to hold it most of the day…, which is not good.  I’m embarrassed to use the men’s bathroom now…it’s like I’m admitting defeat.  I don’t belong in there but I don’t belong in the women’s restroom just yet.

I hate my clothes and what I feel like I have to wear.  I know I’m passing less and less by the second, but spring feels like an eternity away.  I want to connect with these people here so badly but I feel like there’s no point in it right now; like I need to be living full-time before I can form any sort of decent relationship with anyone.  I hate that I have to walk around with days of beard growth before going to electrolysis.  I’m going twice this week and I’m not really looking forward to it.  I just wish I was done with it.

I think about my coming out letter every time I speak to any of my family.  Mom suggested I come out for Thanksgiving.  I told her I’d have a better idea at the end of October…after I sent my letter.  Will she still want me to visit after she reads it?  Even if she does, will I still want to go?  The pressure of having to maintain this façade around my Grandfather while Mom, Tom, and Debbie know everything seems unbearable and I can’t think of a worse way to spend a holiday.  I guess I’m going to have to spend it with them eventually though.

And it’s cold and rainy and I decided to wear shorts for some dumb reason (I think it’s because I hate my guy pants) and I think my kitty is sick.  Last night she must have used the litter box 15 times but hardly produced any urine.  I just looked information up on the Internet and I feel a lot worse.  If she has an obstruction, she could die within 24-48 hours!  I just want to go home and lay with her in bed until…October?  But I can’t.  I have an appointment with Luanne then Dr. W tomorrow and I feel like I need to shave my legs before I see her.

I like Jasmine though.

I wanted to write a couple of emails to some YouTubers but I do not feel like it.  I’m surprised I have the energy to write this.  I just want to go home and sleep.

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an introduction





Hi, I'm Anna and I love cheese!

This blog is a chronicle of my life and a catalog of happy ephemera. The About page has a little bit more information, but, remember, none of this is really me...it's just a supplement, a thumbnail sketch, a mostly anonymous Intarwebs placeholder. I'm way better/less wordy in person. :-)

Oh, and if I wrote something about you and you thought it was mean or hurtful, I'm sorry. It's how I felt at the time, but probably isn't how I feel now. Chances are, I love you and I think you're awesome.

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