Blog, Sweet Blog

I’m sad about being happy

Posted on: Monday, September 22, 2008

Mood: Totally crazy
Music: The nothing

So, I just had my first real annual review and it went awesome.  My boss seems to be very happy with my work and wants me to succeed.  So that’s good, but why do I feel so unhinged?  I went to the bathroom a few minutes after the meeting and I just wanted to cry.  Everyone is so nice to me here and I’m just getting to know them.  I don’t want to have to tell everyone, surprise, it’s a girl, but I have no choice.  That makes me sad.  Like I don’t want to have to gamble away the good will I’ve earned.  I just want people to treat me with respect and be happy with my work.  Not that that won’t happen, I’m just unsure.

Ugh, these last couple of weeks have sucked major.  I wasn’t getting much sleep and it was really messing with my normally cheery outlook/disposition.  I was freaking out about my review and the fact that I haven’t felt productive in the least.  I sent Cassy a pretty depressed email.  She sent me a reply saying she’s seeing someone else

…………………….. (<- dramatic pause).

It’s been about a week and I still haven’t replied back to her.  I want to yell at her for a couple of hours, but what’s the point?  I made her miserable and broke her heart.  She deserves to be happy, but her note really hurt.  Like, I am so fucking far away from wanting to get involved with another person…it’s just inconceivable that she could jump back on the horse so soon.

Also, it’s almost one month before I send my coming out letters to everyone and the anticipation is doing my head in for reals.  I can’t wait to send them but I’m scared to death of the result and I hate having to put things off until then.  Mom sent me an email asking if I’d like to come out to MO for Thanksgiving.  I told her I’d have a better idea after my birthday.  I wanted to say, “Ummm, I’m not sure Mom.  Even if you haven’t already disowned me by then, dinner is still going to be really awkward.  Is that the sort of thing you want?”  I should ask Becca how she handled that.  Her video where she came home after visiting her folks at Thanksgiving is like the saddest thing I’ve seen on YouTube. Ugggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I went for my three month checkup the Friday before last.  I still haven’t gotten my blood test results back, but my doctor seemed to think I was doing alright.  She gave me another proscription but will send out a change if my T levels are still too high.  And she felt me up during the exam…which was kind of weird, kind of cool.  I dunno, I was expecting a lot more than just a cursory exam and I felt like she kind of rushed me out of there.  No news is good news I guess.  I’ve lost about 16 pounds since my last exam and she didn’t think that was due to loss of muscle.  Also, my blood pressure went down.  I need to confirm, but I think it dropped from pre-hypertensive to normal.  So that’s really good.  Electrolysis continues to suck but Luanne, the owner/electrolygist, is funny and makes me feel better.

Allright, I feel a little better.  Thanks for listening Deirds.

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an introduction





Hi, I'm Anna and I love cheese!

This blog is a chronicle of my life and a catalog of happy ephemera. The About page has a little bit more information, but, remember, none of this is really me...it's just a supplement, a thumbnail sketch, a mostly anonymous Intarwebs placeholder. I'm way better/less wordy in person. :-)

Oh, and if I wrote something about you and you thought it was mean or hurtful, I'm sorry. It's how I felt at the time, but probably isn't how I feel now. Chances are, I love you and I think you're awesome.

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