Blog, Sweet Blog

Freaking out on the bus

Posted on: Thursday, March 19, 2009

Mood: Meh
Music: Nature and Organisation-Death in a Snow Leopard Winter

OMG Deirdre,  sorry it’s been so long.  A lot has happened in my life since we last “spoke” but I haven’t had any sort of inclination to write about it (obviously).  I think the biggest news is that I’m going to send my coming out packet to HR today.  I’ve been working on the letters and files I’m going to give him and boss for a while now.  I had a weird flash of insight last night and decided that I should give my stuff to HR today.  See Deirds, the problem is that I have my mid-year reviews next week and I’m having a hard time deciding on when I should drop this bomb on Jeff.  Like, it seems to be overloading the review process to come out to boss during our review but it seems…dishonest to withhold it until right after my review is done.  So, I’m going to tell (rather mail him the packet) HR about it today and see if he has any advice…you know, from a pro HR perspective.

So yeah…eeep!  I have been having kittens over this whole coming out thing for well over  a month now.  To say that this is just stressing me out is such an understatement.  Like, my doctor noticed that my blood pressure and heart rate were high a couple of weeks ago when I went in for a checkup.  I’m guessing that wasn’t due to some psychosomatic fear of doctors or their offices.  Oh well, it will all be over soon enough.  Then I’ll be happy, right?  Right?  Well, I think happier at least.

Despite all of my complaining, I think this is a good time to come out and I feel ready.  I have a lot to get through before then, but there isn’t anything major (compared to telling your boss).  I  am very close to completing my legal name change.  I got the FBI background check back in about 20 minutes and the CBI check in about a week.  I called the court and found out that I can see the judge on the same day I bring in my paperwork (double eeep and omgwtf am I going to wear?!).  After that, I can submit my publish order to a teeny paper I hope no one I know will ever read.  They’ll run the notice for three days and then send me the proof.  After that, I go back to the court, the judge signs the order, and biggity bam, I’m Anna Elizabeth for reals and forever more.  It’s scary to think about how easy that seems.  And it’s been sort of freaking me out because there isn’t really any going back from there.  Not that I want to, but you know, scary.

In other tales of vomit inducing dread, I mailed off my coming out packet to HR like I said I was going to.  It’s funny, throughout all of this, I’ve discovered that I’m very good at setting goals for myself and then finishing them by the deadline.  A few lines ago I said I would mail my staff to HR and I did it, just like I said!  I have sticktoittiveness by the bushel, I do.  Now if I could only channel my motivational superpowers to work or art or music…I would run this country.  So, back to HR…I hadn’t heard back from them yet, which I hate.  I freaked out all day and refreshed my email about every second.  I really hope he contacts me tomorrow and isn’t like out of the office for weeks on vacation.  I think I would have gotten an out-of-office reply but…see what I’m doing here?  This is how my mind has been unraveling all day since I put that folder in the mail.  I can think of 2933 possible outcomes and it’s making me the even more crazy.  Like I said, he’d better get back to me tomorrow.  I can’t be held responsible for what I’ll do if he makes me wait until Monday.

What else…I emailed a hair salon about setting a consultation appointment.  They do hair loss stuff there already and are known to be trans-friendly.  I have been trying for weeks to contact a stylist my electrologist told me about, but I haven’t ever heard back from her.  I’ll be damned if I’m going to just walk into her shop like some yokel off the street.  No thank you.  Geez, why am I so angry?  Not that you would know Deirds, but I’ve been mostly sweetness and light for months now.  I guess it’s the stress talking.  So yeah, the hair issue has been stressing me out and, until now, there hasn’t been any plan for it.  That’s it really.  As far as transition goes, I don’t need to initiate any other processes and I should be able to take it easy for a while.

I have been reading a lot of other women’s going-FT stories online and they were adding to my stress too.  It seems like a lot of them were talking to HR months and years before going full time.  I asked for a month and was beginning to wonder if that was enough time.  Then I chatted with Becca today and she said she’d only asked for a month as well.  I feel better now.  I just need to get through my review meeting somehow and all of this should work out, right?

So, the reason I’m writing this now is because, as I said, I’ve been reading a lot of other girls’ blogs that have been going through the same thing.  Suddenly I felt bad that I haven’t been obsessively documenting every second of my transition.  For the record, I don’t really feel bad.  I’ve just been out there trying to live my life, such as it is.  The mechanics of transition are pretty much the same anywhere, so I’m not adding anything new there.  Still, I guess it’s important to have a record of how I’m feeling about all of this.  I think we covered the stress part, but I also feel happy about how things are moving.  Actually, this is one of those situations where I feel all of the conflicting emotions at the same time, but I’ve had a lot of time to get used to feeling that way.  I am happy that things are moving ahead.  I’m also afraid that I’m making an irreversible mistake and that I’m not ready.  I think I am ready, but I suppose there will always be some doubt.

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2 Responses to "Freaking out on the bus"

[…] I don’t think I’ll ever forget the megaWatts of energy expended in sweating worry, HR meetings, legal wrasslin’, and amazing letter writing before the big day, but it was all totally worth […]

[…] thinking of a way to come out at work and not drive myself insane with worry. I wrote about it some here and here. I had a meeting with my boss and our human resources representative about a month before I […]

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an introduction





Hi, I'm Anna and I love cheese!

This blog is a chronicle of my life and a catalog of happy ephemera. The About page has a little bit more information, but, remember, none of this is really me...it's just a supplement, a thumbnail sketch, a mostly anonymous Intarwebs placeholder. I'm way better/less wordy in person. :-)

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