Blog, Sweet Blog

I had that dream again…

Posted on: Friday, August 7, 2009

Mood: Kinda sad
Music: Made in Spain

My ex and I were still a couple and on vacation.  This time we were in Magic China in a guest house with a natural hot springs pool filled with three-foot-long Koi.  She was on the couch watching Magic Chinese television…gymnastics, I think.  I was in the pool trying to figure out how the fish could survive in such hot, briny water.  Then, I was sitting next to her on the couch.

“Are you going to be ok with this?”

She turned toward me and and blinked heavy tears from her amazing, blue eyes.

“If this is what you really want…”

And then I woke up.

I’ve had variations of this dream since we broke up last May.  And let’s be honest, by “broke up” I mean she moved out after months and months of my being intolerable and pushing her away.  It’s been well over a year and I still don’t feel any different about her.  Intellectually, post-transition, I know we’re wrong for each other.  And, I don’t think I would ever have another relationship with a woman again…but still. Most of the time I regret how things turned out and how I behaved and how I treated her and how she’s utterly absent from my life now.  I think about all of that and I wonder when I’ll stop feeling this way.

Are you getting old when your regrets and mistakes start winning?

In other news, congratulations Charles and Oyuna! I’m so happy for you two, again 🙂  Yes, I know that seemed like a psychotic segue, but my life isn’t all misery and regret.

2 Responses to "I had that dream again…"

Oh Anna 😦 If I could just write the perfect response that would make you feel better. I relate so much.

Still, can’t sit around feeling sorry for ourselves can we? Well, we *can*, but then the terrorists *win*! You don’t support *terrorism*, do you? DO YOU??

Oh Jamie, making me laugh always makes me feel better 🙂 You don’t have to say anything because I know we feel the same way.

And how dare you, madam! Of course I support terrorism…I mean don’t! I don’t support terrorism! DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT!

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an introduction

Hi, I'm Anna and I love cheese!

This blog is a chronicle of my life and a catalog of happy ephemera. The About page has a little bit more information, but, remember, none of this is really's just a supplement, a thumbnail sketch, a mostly anonymous Intarwebs placeholder. I'm way better/less wordy in person. :-)

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