Blog, Sweet Blog

My monthly visitor

Posted on: Thursday, October 1, 2009

Mood: Blah, blah, blah
Music: Lifelover-Forspel & Intrеng


INT. ANNA’S LIVING ROOM

ANNA sits on the couch, watching a Food Network show, and casually surfing the Internet.

ANNA’S cell phone (on the coffee table in front of her) vibrates twice, then starts playing “Punk As Fuck” by The American Analog Set.  ANNA picks up the phone and looks at the screen.  It’s her sister.

ANNA

Hellll-oooo!

JEN

What are you doing!

ANNA

Nothing…watching Ace of Cakes, playing computer.

JEN

You’re funny.

ANNA

Tell me about it.

JEN

So, hey…are you busy this weekend?  There’s this gallery opening and it’s going to be awesome and I think we should be there.

ANNA

We’re…so…going!  I don’t think I have anything planned.  Um, let me consult with Madame Online Dayplanner.

(Opens up computer calendar application)

What’s today?  The 28th? Fuck.

JEN

What?

ANNA

Unfortunately, I have a prior engagement.  My end of the month, crushing, hormonal depression starts tonight.  I can’t go.  Sorry.

JEN

Oh, fuck…I forgot, sorry.  Do you need any help?  Do you want me to get you anything?

ANNA

Do you have any slow, bleak metal?

JEN

What? No!

ANNA

Black candles?

JEN

You know I don’t approve of that that stuff.

ANNA

Do you want to come over and watch Steel Magnolias over and over again and never change out of your pajamas and just eat cheese and ice cream all day?

JEN

Again? What is it with you and that movie, Anna?  No, that sounds horrible.

ANNA

Then you’re dead to me.

(pause)

I’m kidding.  I’ll be fine.  I should be finished with this in a week or so.  Call me then, k?

JEN

Ok, then.

(pause)

Try to get out of the house at least, ok?  I love you.

ANNA

I’ll try.  I love you too.  Bye.

JEN

Bye.

*unfortunately, this is a real thing and it’s that time of the month again.

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9 Responses to "My monthly visitor"

oooh, I’m right in the boat with ya – I feelz yur pain. I’m so going to hide in my bed with my only friends, ben and jerry, and brood in the darkness… The darkness of my soul… Which coincidently tastes like mint chocolate chunk.

Oh noes! Not you too, Becca!

I’m sorry, honey. I think you’re doing the right thing though…ice cream and getting under the covers always helps me feel better. I’m here if you want to talk or chat later.

This past PMS was brought into perspective with the PMS Buster Parfait. It’s like the DQ version, only with the most ridiculously high end items that make it PMS-Busting.

So, we meet again, Frau Donna! You’re still up too, hunh? I know, I remember that and I was going to try and write some funny response like…

Wait, isn’t it called a Peanut Buster Parf…wait…I just got it.

I don’t have anything lined up at the mo, but an expensive foodstuffs facsimile of a PBP sounds pretty great. The again, so is the funeral scene in Steel Magnolias.

Also, awww, you have a gardening blog!

😦

I’m trying to write something helpful and comforting. I had this whole metaphor worked out that involved a toffee apple and cancer, and I swear it made sense when I started, but after two paragraphs it sort of fell apart and now I’m hungry for a toffee apple and tell me where the hell do I get one of those? I could look up how to make one on the Internet, but then I’d need to make a batch, and that would be unhealthy for me to eat all that candied apple. Maybe I could take them to work to make up for being aloof lately? I’m not sure weather to use green or red apples. Red. What were we talking about? I feel like something has backfired here.

RELENTLESS OPTIMISM! That’s what I was going to say. You need to apply some relentless optimism. Some disney-esque positivity about the future, because everything is going to be AWESOME later on, and in fact things are pretty good now, really. Sure you can focus on what’s wrong and what you don’t have and what you might not get, but it makes you sad, and being sad is fun for a little while, but then it sucks.

Seriously, I stun myself sometimes with my maturity and insight. I’m so helpful in these situations, aren’t I? I might look up night courses in counseling. I think I’d be pretty good at that.

Also, it’s time you made a YouTube video. I used to love them and you stopped. Boo.

I am so incredibly mortified that I used the wrong spelling of “whether”.

It’s probably the hormones. Causing spelling mistakes, I mean. I’ve been prone to mortification for years.

I’ll grant you the occasional typo if you’ll return the favor. And mortification? I have no problem with it as long as it’s used as part of a healthy, active lifestyle.

LOL, where to start…

a) you’re awesome
b)it’s too bad you live in Oz
c) it’s super too bad you’re not some hunky dude with which I could make the babies. We’d have six children with vaguely, Scandinavian-sounding names and we’d live on a small cheese farm in Vermont. I would teach the children to cook, sew, and expertly wield small-unit infantry weapons. You’d teach the children to play the piano, the value of a classical education, and the importance of being urbane, arch, and witty.

Also, I think you should develop that apple story…make it a children’s book where the main character is an anthropomorphised toffee apple who lives in a confectionery shop. Her mother is dying of cancer and can’t be sold or eaten. So, the toffee apple goes on a journey of self discovery with a peppermint stick and a cupcake and finds the true meaning of family or love, or whatever.

Toffee (or caramel, as we say in the Americas) apples can use red or green apples, but the apple should have enough tartness to balance the sweetness of the toffee/caramel. I think a McIntosh would be ideal. You’re right, who wants more than one hanging around the house. I’d say, go to a sweets shop, but they might be seasonal.

And finally, yes, yes, of course you’re right and the frustratingly, insightful voice of maturity and reason. I was trying to do a couple of things with that post. I was trying to illustrate how crippling this depression can be sometimes, that it’s the end of the month, and how it seems to be an oddly regular, hormonally-related thing. Like, I’m not 100% sure it’s due to hormones, but this seems to be a monthly trend. Which, again, like so many other important details, was curiously missing from the pamphlet.

And that’s where I’m of two minds vis a vis the whole depression thing. I’m pretty dark and goth anyway and it is fun to be dour and bleak and listen to black metal…for a while. Then, it just starts getting old. I feel like a darker perspective informs my writing and art, which is good, in a way, but honestly, I think I could get a lot more done if I didn’t have to wrestle with this all the time. I have considered pharmaceutical help, but I feel like I might lose something of myself if I did that. Ugh, I could easily turn this all into a long essay of a blog post.

🙂 Thanks for always saying that about my videos. I don’t really feel the same about them as I once did, but maybe I should keep doing them.

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Hi, I'm Anna and I love cheese!

This blog is a chronicle of my life and a catalog of happy ephemera. The About page has a little bit more information, but, remember, none of this is really me...it's just a supplement, a thumbnail sketch, a mostly anonymous Intarwebs placeholder. I'm way better/less wordy in person. :-)

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