Blog, Sweet Blog

This one time, I started writing a screenplay

Posted on: Thursday, October 1, 2009

Mood: All stuffed up with nowhere to go
Music: Hüsker Dü-Standing in the Rain


Goddamn you, weird, Internet formatting! Ugh, I am positively plagued by strange formatting issues when I try to post things on the Internet and I am sick of it.  Like, if you read my posts with a reader or on Facebook, I’m sure the last post looked like an experiment in unreadable text art.  I tried to make it look like an actual script (they have very specific formatting guidelines, you know) but it came out looking like mental illness.  I’m sorry if it looks wonky, but I don’t feel like spending hours trying to fix it…or trying to do it right the first time.

If you’ll permit me a quick, manifesto-y aside…I also realize that I’m not doing myself any favors in the “building a brand” department.  Look, I know I’m chasing readers away with a pitchfork every time I put up some weird mix of music or comedy or diary posts.  It would be nice if I had an audience that followed my blog and paid me oodles of compliments and dollars (American), but I’ve never been one for wedging myself into some niche…I’m too big, uppity.

Then again, maybe I should, once and for all, devote myself to a single topic, like…

-what it’s like to be transsexual in the big, bad world, or

-my personal quest to transform simple words into comedy magic, or

-sharing my moment to moment feelings and inner monologue (lol, dialogue’s more like it).

I’ve actually given all of this quite a bit of thought.  Should I narrow my scope, give up, and try to build a long-tail audience?

No, I don’t think so.

I love accolades and money as much as the next, greedy, attention-starved girl, but I think I’m going to keep doing it like this for now.  I’ve never written for you (the collective you, you’re great) and I don’t intend to start.  I write for myself and the people I love.  Hopefully, one day, the rest of the world will figure out how awesome and interesting I am.  But, if they never do and you’re still reading, then it’s worth it.

So anyway, I was looking for how to format scripts this morning and I ran across this little nugget.  Like the rest of the Internet, I’m a tortured, wannabe artist/critic.  I even tried writing a screenplay once.  I got through the first scene and then quit, as you do.  I’d still kind of like to write a screenplay, or, you know, finish something, anything, but I doubt I’d finish this one.  Somehow, a story about two friends working their way through college as armed, downtown bus station security guards doesn’t seem as relevant to me now as it once did.  For what it’s worth…


My Never-To-Be-Finished, Untitled Movie

INT. DOWNTOWN DENVER BUS STATION SECURITY CHECKPOINT, 2 AM.

Doug and Charles are checking bags.


CHARLES

Next!

MEXICAN MAN shuffles forward.


CHARLES

Good morning, sir and welcome to Denver.  Do you have any knives, handguns, explosives, syringes, scissors,  bazookas, or live animals?


MEXICAN MAN

Que?


DOUG

Uh, I don’t think he speaks English.  Have fun.


CHARLES

No hable Ingles?

(MEXICAN MAN stares at him blankly)

Tiene usted alguna cuchillos, armas de fuego, explosivos, jeringas, tijeras, bazucas, ni con animales vivos?


MEXICAN MAN

Nope, just this bag of beef jerky.


CHARLES

Gracias Senòr, please move along.  Next in line please.


NERVOUS MAN

(Clutching a worn, dirty paper bag, stuttering)

E-evening, Officer


CHARLES

Good morning, sir.  Do you have any knives, handguns, explosives, syringes, scissors, bazookas, or live animals?


NERVOUS MAN

Ha!  Live animals…that’s funny.  Nope, no live animals.


CHARLES

I’m glad you enjoyed it, sir.  Would you happen to be carrying any of the other items I just mentioned?


NERVOUS MAN

Wha-what do you mean?


CHARLES

I mean, do you have anything on your person or in your bag that might be considered dangerous or illegal?


NERVOUS MAN

Dangerous or illegal?  Ummm…no.

(nervously looks around)

No?

(a little too loud)

No!  I don’t.


CHARLES

Would you mind opening your bag, sir?


NERVOUS MAN

You want to look in my bag?  This bag?


CHARLES

Yes sir, (under his breath) very badly.


NERVOUS MAN

Al…al…ok

(NERVOUS MAN sets the bag down and pushes it towards CHARLES)


CHARLES

(Charles opens the paper bag and pulls out a large black dildo and furry, pink handcuffs.  He holds them out so everyone in line can see them)

Do these belong to you sir?


NERVOUS MAN

(Sheepishly)

Those are…wow…um…


CHARLES

Sir?


NERVOUS MAN

Alright, fine!

(muttering)

Yes, of course they’re mine!

(turns to the group)

That’s right, everyone, you got me!  I’m the one.  I’m the big, freaky, weirdo with the big, black dildo and the furry, pink handcuffs and the value sized jar of industrial lube and the handmade photo retrospective of Jennifer Love Hewitt.   Lock up your children!

(An older woman is seen tightly embracing her granddaughter and shielding her eyes)

(turns back to CHARLES)

What?  Are these against the law now too…Mr. Thought Police?


CHARLES

Depends.  Where ya headed?


NERVOUS MAN

Uh…Los Angeles…it’s in California.


CHARLES

LA, hunh?

(Charles hesitates to build NERVOUS MAN’s suspense, hypnotically slapping the dildo against his left hand)

Nope, you should be fine.

(Charles drops the items back in the bag and pushes it towards the man)

NEXT!



FADE OUT

FADE IN, OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE

During the credits, Charles walks into the bus station bathroom to pee.  He is at the extreme right urinal.  Pan left to see a very old man all the way at the other end of the row of urinals…like 8 or 10…just finishing up.  The old man zips up and starts walking, drunkenly toward Charles and the exit.  The problem is, he walks so slowly and close to the urinals, that he trips the IR sensor on every one of them.  He only alters his course when he gets uncomfortably close to Charles…who is having trouble starting and hangs his head in shame and disgust.

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an introduction





Hi, I'm Anna and I love cheese!

This blog is a chronicle of my life and a catalog of happy ephemera. The About page has a little bit more information, but, remember, none of this is really me...it's just a supplement, a thumbnail sketch, a mostly anonymous Intarwebs placeholder. I'm way better/less wordy in person. :-)

Oh, and if I wrote something about you and you thought it was mean or hurtful, I'm sorry. It's how I felt at the time, but probably isn't how I feel now. Chances are, I love you and I think you're awesome.

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