Blog, Sweet Blog

Mamá y yo

Posted on: Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Mood: like I just gave birth…to this blog post!
Music: Neko Case-Maybe Sparrow

*ed.  I’ve already written this blog, but lost the whole thing because I forgot to log in.  The first version was awesome, but I can’t remember it.  Sorry if this one isn’t as good, Internets. There’s a lesson in there somewhere.

Ugh, I’ve been feeling so off for the last month or two.  It’s not really a depressed kind of thing (or maybe it is), but it’s been really hard for me to generate interest for anything beyond bathing, watching television, writing emails, blogging, feeding the cat, and doing homework.  I’m constantly late to work.  I haven’t been eating much.  My sleep pattern is more of a random process and the mail is unopened, my house is unclean, and my to-do list is undone.  I’m not sure why I’m feeling Maybe it’s because my mother and my aunt are flying out here on Friday.

It’s hard to believe that it has been almost  a year since I came out to my family and friends.  For the most part, people have been sweet and accommodating…my mother is an exception.  She lives out-of-state and she’s had a very hard time with this.  Since coming out, we’ve only spoken on the phone once about ten months ago and traded a very few, terse emails.

I’ve tried every trick I could think of to bring her around.  I’ve sent her the sweet, “it’s no big deal, I’ll wait” email, the pleading, “why don’t you love me?” email, and the angry, “screw you, I’m better off without you” email.  Nothing seemed to work.

The last time I tried one of my special emails, she sent me a reply that said she was still trying to come to terms with this. She told me she’d tried counseling and asked how she could see my YouTube videos. Heartened by the sudden turn for the better, I sent her video instructions and encouragement. Weeks went by without another word.

She called my sister at some point. From what my sister said, it was almost as if she’d gone backwards in her progress and acceptance of me. My mother was all, “have you talked to your brother lately?” and “how is he doing?” It was beyond infuriating and I felt angry, sad, and powerless…again.

Unless you’ve gone through this, it might be hard to understand how this all feels. I still had a mother, theoretically, but she didn’t seem to want to have anything to do with me and, try as I might, there was nothing I could do to make her feel differently.  And it’s not like I suddenly became a Nazi or a pedophile. This is a recognized medical condition, she’s a nurse, and this isn’t totally without precedent in my life. I’m still a college graduate, and an electrical engineer, and good at my job, and a tax payer, and a voter, and I have friends, and I’ve never been convicted of anything more serious than a traffic misdemeanor.  I’m also an adult and I have lived a great deal of my life without having to rely on my parents for money or esteem-boosting.  Still though, it’s an awful feeling to be shunned by anyone, especially a parent.

My sister and I came up with one last idea.  I would send her a copy of True Selves along with a positively frigid, “this is your last chance” email and wait for her response.  I sent the email and book about a month ago.  Four days later, she sent me an email saying she had read the book in one sitting and was planning to come out to see my sister and I some time soon.  A week or so after that, she sent me another letter saying that she had purchased two airline tickets and wanted to know who was going to pick them up from the airport.  Apparently, True Selves is a magical tome forged from unicorn tears and fairy wings under the light of a pregnant moon.

So yeah, I’m nervous and excited.

I’m excited because I actually miss my mother and I desperately want her to be a part of my life.   I may have discussed this before, but my childhood was…different.  My parents divorced when I was seven and my little sister and I spent most of our childhood moving between parents and states and addresses, usually once every year or two.  As the eldest, I’ve always felt like the peacemaker, the caretaker and I’ve never been happy with my family’s cool indifference toward each other.  We barely talk to each other and, when we do, it’s usually through gritted teeth and pursed lips.  The half-closed mouth is a guard against accidentally speaking our mind or unleashing a torrent of pent-up hostility and recrimination.  I think other Scandinavian/W.A.S.P.-types roll the same way.

And so, with that sort of history, is it any wonder that the little, seven year-old girl in me wants to fix her family?  I wanna have one of those movie families where people love each other and support one another and often choose to be in the same room with one another because they enjoy each other’s company.  I think I’ve made good progress with my father, hopefully the same will be true with my mother.

I’m also nervous.  For one thing, she’s bringing my aunt with her.  My aunt and I have never been that close, so she must be a traveling ally/mobile support system.  Which is fine, I guess.  My aunt is part of my family and I might as well get right with her while we’re at it.

I’m also nervous because I’m not sure what to expect.  Mom mentioned that we’re going to have a “talking party”…whatever that is.  Honestly, if she’s not planning to lead off with a day-long hug while gently whispering, “I’m so sorry” over and over again, then I’m not sure what we have to talk about.

People who like me say I’m “strong-willed” and that I “speak my mind.”  People who don’t like me say I’m a “mouthy bitch who should shut her fucking know-it-all, pie hole every once in a while.”  The truth’s in there somewhere, Internets.  If I’m as serious about making the peace as I claim to be, it might help to try being sweet, patient, and accommodating…just this one time.  Or maybe I’ll just drink a lot.

So, fun family weekends ahoy!  They leave sometime on Sunday and I’ll update you some time after.  Until then…

6 Responses to "Mamá y yo"

I just relate to all of it. I hope it all goes astonishingly well this weekend, and that you find your mojo again. Maybe it’s hanging out with mine, sipping pina coladas by a pool in Mexico or something.

Thanks Jamie! I think it will go well, although my sister and I just had a little yelling fight, that’s always nice.

I hope you feel better too. If you ever make it to Mexico, I’ll sell my body (for what little money it will bring) to join you for poolside drinks 🙂

Ooh,ooh sounds like a field trip! I’ll use my “traffic” conections and be down there a well. Ditto on the fam. The cell is always on, and the computron mostly, if you need to escape and vent. Remeber mass murder is never the answer. Okay, maybe in an alien invasion, but then you stain the carpet and that’s hard to get out.

Thanks Becca, you’re sweet. I might just take you up on that!

As I said, I’m going to try and “be nice” and not “yell profanities” while they’re here. Oh noes, I think I just became a grownup woman!

[…] that wasn’t shorter at all, sorry.  So, what else is new?  Um, my Mom and Aunt’s visit went really well.  I have more to say about it, but I’m getting really sick of writing.  […]

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Hi, I'm Anna and I love cheese!

This blog is a chronicle of my life and a catalog of happy ephemera. The About page has a little bit more information, but, remember, none of this is really's just a supplement, a thumbnail sketch, a mostly anonymous Intarwebs placeholder. I'm way better/less wordy in person. :-)

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