Blog, Sweet Blog

Ask me about being a megabitch

Posted on: Monday, March 15, 2010

Mood: Feistytired
Music: Descendents-M16


glittering, savory by anna hell



Well, I’m back from Las Vegas, a few dollars poorer, but richer for the experience, insert your own cliché.  More on that later, promise.  In the meantime, let’s talk about about some recent goings-on with my ex.

So, if you’re just tuning in, I broke up with my first, post-transition boyfriend at the end of January.  I was/have been kind of sad about it, but these things happen.  I feel loads better now and I suppose this is as good a “writer’s experience” as any.  We traded a few hurtful emails for a week after breaking up, but I hadn’t contacted him or heard from him since then.  He sent me a hey! what’s new? email, apropos of nothing, last Monday.  That was weird all by itself, but the fact that he made me feel like he was just catching up with an old friend after a few weeks apart instead of randomly pinging a person who’d had feelings for him and who had willingly touched his penis made it seem extra awkward.

We have a history, him and I, officially.  We didn’t part on the greatest of terms and we certainly didn’t agree to remain friends.  Throughout my life, I’ve observed a strict as-soon-as-we-break-up-I-don’t-want-to-see-you-or-hear-from-you-or-think-about-you-ever-again-seriously policy.  I started to reevaluate that with my previous ex.  It seemed wrong to cut out such an important part of my life.  I’m beginning to believe that these people’s presence in my life is/has been meaningful and necessary.  I think learning to value that is better than hiding from pain. I relayed my newfound love for ex-loves to him in a meagbitchy, accusatory way…

[Redacted],

I know you’re “not trying to ‘sell’ anything” but you contacting me out of the blue, like nothing ever happened is weird for me and a little hard to deal with.  I haven’t contacted you since we broke up because I didn’t want to talk to you, not because I felt like I had to stay away or give you space.  Are you trying, in some ham-fisted, obtuse way to say that you want to be friends?  I don’t know, maybe.

For the record, I love emails.  I sent you a lot of them, remember?  I don’t care for text messaging, but it has its place and I like them even better if they’re a precursor to a phone call.  I’m kind of meh on the Skype thing with you.  If you want to talk to me, why don’t we just get coffee or something?  I can like throw a rock at your house and it seems totally absurd to use Skype if we don’t have to.

Regards and such,


Anna



Ugh.  I think I could have managed a nicer, more diplomatic response but I am a woman scorned and them’s my feelings, y’all.

I’m not opposed to being friends with him, but our history gets in the way.  I’m funny…it’s like I hold my friends to a higher standard of behavior than my lovers.  So, where a boyfriend’s inability to express himself is merely annoying (at first, anyway) it can be the reason to end a friendship.  His foibles were charming and tolerable when we were intimate, but now they’re all dealbreakers.

If you haven’t guessed, his awkward attempt to reach out/make me crazy/whatever totally rubbed me the wrong way.  Combine that with the online dating winners I’ve encountered recently (oh, just you wait, my pretties) and I kind of feel like giving up on guys.  Are all of them developmentally disabled when it comes to expressing themselves?  Is this how it’s going to be?  Like, if you’re interested in me and want me in your life, is a little wooing with the nice words too much to ask for?  Apparently.  I haven’t heard back from him.

Maybe it’s me?  Maybe my pre-surgery standards are too high?  Maybe I am the megabitch ice queen who’s incapable of settling and doomed to a multi-cat spinsterhood?  I wish I knew, Internets.  If I did, I’d just go ahead and adopt another kitty right now.

I think it’s more likely that I’m a complex, complicated, somewhat damaged, skittish, too-smart-for-her-own-good girl who will find her other half, eventually.

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an introduction





Hi, I'm Anna and I love cheese!

This blog is a chronicle of my life and a catalog of happy ephemera. The About page has a little bit more information, but, remember, none of this is really me...it's just a supplement, a thumbnail sketch, a mostly anonymous Intarwebs placeholder. I'm way better/less wordy in person. :-)

Oh, and if I wrote something about you and you thought it was mean or hurtful, I'm sorry. It's how I felt at the time, but probably isn't how I feel now. Chances are, I love you and I think you're awesome.

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All content on Blog, Sweet Blog is copyrighted by me, Anna Hell. Unless otherwise noted, all photos, words, and content on this site are mine, created by me, and should not be used without my permission (or at least attributed and linked back). I try to embed links or quote original source material if I use another person's work.

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