So, the other day, I got a comment on my Hott Guyz, Y’all post.  It went something like…

From your list, Noel Fielding takes a & b, hands down. But if we’re talking rock bands & messy hair, I’d say Nikki Sixx is a fairly serious omission.

To which I replied…

I stand by my initial choices (mmm, Russell Brand…the things we could do to each other), but after having seen three seasons of The Mighty Boosh, Noel Fielding does seem like the perfect combination of messy-haired sex god and committed, sensitive, life partner.

Regarding Mr. Sixx, let me begin by saying, “brava, Mrs. Bones. I like your style.” He is still pretty good-looking, but I’m not really a fan. I stopped listening to Mötley Crüe after Shout at the Devil and I lost interest soon after. Still though, as far as messy-haired, sexy rockers go, he’s gotta be in the top five.

Mrs. Bones really got me thinking, though.  Who are these Hott Rocks Guyz, y’all?  What are the qualities I look for in a hott rocks guy(z)?  Is it strictly messy hair or can a talented, sensitive songwriter/musician also get into my pants?  What’s the deal with all the rocking out with the cock out?  Is there an age limit?  Are there any Hott Rocks Girlz that would make the list?  Will Nikki Sixx remain in the top five?  Do any of you understand that I’m referring to my favorite Sleater-Kinney album (The Hot Rock) when I use the term, “hott rocks guyz”?

I suppose you do now, but seriously, it’s a great album…really.  Go buy it from a “record” store or download a digital copy from wherever it is the kids are doing that sort of thing nowadays with the computers and whatnot. Amway, the answers to these questions may surprise you/be found a little bit below this sentence.

I gave this all a lot of thought and put these questions to my friend Wendy one late night after a super succesful shopping excursion.  Which Hott Rocks Guyz would you  do it with? Who would never make the list?  Are there any second-tier Rock Guyz that you might take pity on at the end of the night (see Mayhaps)? Hours later, we had the perfect, exhaustive list of music/artist type-people we’d totally “do it” with.  These aren’t in any particular order and I’ve provided the band names for some of the Guyz if they seem obscure.  I wish I could find pictures of all these guys, but that would take a few minutes less than forever and I have a job and a life and stuff.  Just take my word for it.  There were a few disagreements and those have been italicized for your reading pleasure.  Annotated commentary is provided as appropriate.  As always, comments are appreciated/encouraged.

To the list!

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1 yep, all of ’em

2 Wendy says he’s really short, but in the fantasy world where I actually sleep with Danzig, he’s like, 6’1″.

3 At the same time, maybe?

4 I can’t remember which of us passed on Kurt…I’m ambivalent.

5 No, I don’t care that Morrissey is, supposedly, asexual.

6 OK, I realize that Lemmy is just about the ugliest man in rock and roll, but I feel like I owe him…something.  Maybe I should just make him dinner or knit him a rock…thing?

7 I still kind of have a problem with hair metal. I spent the hair metal years as an angry, skate punk and it’s still hard for me to forgive and forget when it comes to that particular sub-genre. Still though, they both have the Nikki Sixx moppy, messy black hair thing going on.

8 Trend alert!  I have a thing for tall, raven-haired, pale rockers.

9 Ew, no way.  Wendy’s position is that he prolly made up for his unfortunate lips and teeth with expert cocksmanship.  To me, it matters not, still ew.

10 A crush so old, it’s positively developmental.

11 Well worn territory.

12 LOL, this should be its own post.  We started off talking about rock crushes, but veered into hip hop after someone dropped an LL Cool J.  I was trying to think of some other good-looking rappers, and I blurted out “Lil John!”  Wendy countered that no one is sure what he looks like because he’s always wearing huge sunglasses, mouth jewelry, and a baseball cap.  But still, he made us laugh so hard, he’s staying on the list.

13 Admittedly, Los Beatles did not immediately spring to our minds, too old.  However, at the end of the night, we placed them in order, as you do…Paul, George, John, and Ringo.

14 I think I was pro and Wendy was con.  He’s a weird-looking guy to be sure, but anyone that has written “Gimme Danger” and slept with David Bowie is ok by me.

15 This is kind of a Lemmy thing again, but he’s the cutest Melvin.

16 I’d have to go back to Throbbing Gristle-era Genesis.  He’s mostly female now and has had more genital piercings than any sane person should.

17 Yes, I know he’s gay.

18 Wendy says he looks weird.  I say any man that’s good enough for Beyoncé is good enough for me.

19 I’m against, Wendy’s for.  I love his music, but there are better looking, goth-y singers.

20 I’m against, Wendy’s for.  Even though he fits 8, I’m not really a fan.

21 After we make love, he could sing a medley of “Ghost Town”, “Nightclub”, and “Things Could Be Beautiful”!

22 I think it’s the eye patch.

23 Maybe the Gary Oldman version.

24 Wendy said he’s an asshole too.

25 The reason I’m against is because I saw the Red Hot CHili Peppers at The Ranch Bowl (live music + bowling!) in Omaha when they toured in support of The Uplift MoFo Party Plan.  It was a great show, but I distinctly remember the goobery snot and boogers around Flea’s mouth area during the show.  It’s like he entered some sort of idiot savant zone and his brain temporarily traded an interest in personal hygiene for amazing bass playing.  His boogers haunt me to this day.

26 I LOVE this band, but there is no way I would ever sleep with any of them.  Greg Norton was the best looking of the bunch, but that giant moustache made him look more like a Tom of Finland model than a gentleman a straight woman should “spend time with.”

27 You know what, Internets?  Fuck Social Distortion, fuck Mike Ness, and fuck you if you like them.  This band is/was about as punk as The Starland Vocal Band and all the people out there that claim them as some sort of punker than thou link to their youth are nothing but first degree posers.  I’m so sick of people claiming them like they were the only/best punk band to make it out of the 80’s.  If you like them…really like them, then we can’t be friends.  Sorry.  Also mega-dumb: Jimmy Buffett and Dave Matthews Band.

28 It’s too bad really.  If he would have just kept his German yap shut about file sharing and music piracy, he could have had a shot with me.

29 Ok, these days, whenever I think of David Lee Roth or 80’s hair metal, the only thing that comes to mind is Dr. Roxo, the rock and roll clown, and his music video.

30 We had a long talk about this one.  Slash could be a good-looking guy if he took a shower, put on a shirt, stopped dangling that one cigarette out of his mouth, washed his hair, stopped wearing that big, dumb top hat, and put down his guitar for like, one day.

31 Under the right circumstances (booze, drugs, Christmas, peace in the Middle East), his talent outweighs his physical limitations.