Blog, Sweet Blog

Posts Tagged ‘boss

Mood: Somewhat productive
Music: Pixies-Bone Machine

So, as I posted yesterday, I had my first day back and it went really well.  Oh, you want some detail and amusing anecdotes?  Fine, but I feel like I should say…you’re very needy and a little bit too interested in my personal life.  Maybe we should talk about that some time.  Not in an intervention-y sort of way, just an earnest, “I’m here for you honey, do you want to talk about it” over coffee kind of thing.

Amway, I got up earlier than usual to get ready.  I wanted to have enough time to do my makeup and get dressed without feeling the rush stress.  I had picked out what I was going to wear the night before (which is like the best thing ever and something I’m going to try to do henceforth) and it was an excellent choice if I do say so myself…knee-length khaki pencil skirt, short sleeved red crinkly blouse with white polka dots, a black long-sleeve crewneck cardigan, and black leather flats.  I thought it looked nice and it seemed to be professional, kind of cute, and def’ly not embarassing.  Sometime around when I was doing my makeup, I started feeling the nervous.  After the 1100th time looking in the mirror to make sure I looked ok, I said goodbye to the cat and got in the car.

The drive to work was long, but kind of fun…I did a lot of singing in traffic to take my mind off of the morning.  I got to work about 20 minutes late (I know, don’t.even.say.it.) and sat in the parking lot for a few minutes.  I was already late so I didn’t want to waste a bunch of time on second-guessing and reconsidering.  Like I said, I’d kind of done most of the worrying already.  I was still nervous about walking in the door, but I wasn’t not going to walk in, you know?  So I did.  And there were a bunch of people in the hall holding up a big sign.  I thought, “oh noes, they’ve been waiting for me with a big stupid ‘welcome back’ sign and now they’re going to be so mad.”  Turns out, they were hanging signs and stuff for the big boss that was coming later in the afternoon.  Still, no one said anything…which was fine becuase I prolly would have thrown up right on them and that stupid tie they were wearing.  I hate that tie.  Why do guys think ties with cartoon animals on them are appropriate to wear out side of their own closet?

So, I got into my office without passing out and locked the door.  I had to take a moment to steady myself and put away my things.  Within ten minutes, my boss was knocking at the door to check in on me (which was really sweet and he’s been so awesome throughout this whole thing).  He asked if I was nervous (check) and told me not to be.  After that, I opened my door “for business” and started looking at my to-do list.  My computer login had changed to my new name (cool) but there was some kind of problem with the emails.

The email problem is still ongoing even though I spent most of the day with an IT guy sitting in my chair (don’t be nasty, I sat in the other chair).  And that was kind of cool.  Right from the start he told me that he admired my courage and thought the meeting went well.  And it was nice because I had to deal with him and other people the entire rest of the day.  I’m sure I would have wanted to hide out, but I was kind of forced to put myself out there.

I waitied a long time to use the restroom.  I don’t think I’ve discussed it much, but, even though I’ve been mostly living this way full time for a couple of months, I’ve avoided using the bathroom to a ridiculous degree.  And I can’t explain it.  I think I look alright and I certainly belong in the women’s restroom (or much moreso than in the men’s), but…it’s scary.  It’s like I don’t want to offend people or be weird or anything.  So, I waited and finally went when I absolutely could not hold it any longer.  And like everything else, it turned out to be no big deal.  I’ve been feeling super dried out for whatever reason, so I was drinking loads of water and had to pee a lot yesterday.  So, I feel better about it, but it’s still a little bit nerver-wracking.  I think I’ll feel better after when I actually see someone I know in there.  If you’re keeping score at home, the restrooms are much nicer.  I’m not going to give away all of our secrets, but there’s a couch and magazines.  The men’s room has…well, not magazines, that’s for sure.

I grow weary of this exercise, so I’m going cut to the expedient bulleted list method of exposition…

-It sounds cliche, but the security guy I got my new badge from thought I was trying to play a joke on him when I handed him my old badge.  I assured him I was not and he continued to be nice and friendly.

-I went out to lunch and got”ma’am’ed” all over the place.

-It seems like a lot of people were out of the office or incredibly busy yesterday.  So not everybody got to see me.

-I must have spent a total of two hours in 1 minute intervals worrying about how I look.  And that wasn’t fun because it was more of a worried rather than vain thing.

-I work with a lot of guys and none of them thought to comment on how I looked.  My one girl friend said something nice, but that was it.  That doesn’t really bother me, because I kind of know how guys are.  Either they were too afraid or didn’t think of it.  Regardless, it would have been nice to hear something like that from one of them.  I swear I will not file a sexual harrassment lawsuit for the occasional, “you look nice today.”

-The boss guy gave a speech for everyone on campus at the end of the day, but I was so tired that I barely heard anything he said.  Yesterday was exhausting, really.  That’s one thing they don’t tell you in the brochure.  I think it’ll get better, but I’m still pretty tired today.

-I gave a guy friend at work my blog’s address (hey you) and that is weird.  Ok, it’s weird having everyone know my biggest secret eva, but it’s weird to also have someone know my motivations and be a party to my every internet thought.  Still though, he seems like a good sort and it feels good to just be honest for reals.  I might give it to another person.

-I didn’t get a card or any flowers.  I was kind of upset about that but I kind of understand…I wasn’t in the hospital and I didn’t experience a death, or have a baby.  And everyone was really busy yesterday, so whatevs.

-A lot of times yesterday, I caught myself wanting to edit something I was going to say or do.  Like, I still had to hide or didn’t want my neighbor to hear me.  I was able to talk myself out of it, but I’ve been doing it for so long.

-I spoke to a couple of people out in the hall while they were waiting for the grande queso.  This one guy, who I like a lot and respect, told me how he was really proud of me and how courageous he thought I was.  I thanked him but told him that I didn’t feel all that courageous.  I think that’s what a lot of people don’t understand…it’s either do this or be doomed.  So, it didn’t seem like much of a choice to me.  Regardless, it was really sweet of him to say that and be so supportive.  He’s someone I’d like to get to know better.

-The day ended better than it began.  I drove home and talked to Becca then Kaylee before bed.  I was really tired but I had so much fun talking to both of them (we lol’d, hard).  That was the perfect way to end the day, thanks you guys.

Mood: Peaceful-ish
Music: What Not to Wear-Stacy and Clinton making fun of some woman’s wardrobe

So, they had that meeting yesterday…the one where they were talking about me and sharing my most intimate, secret secrets with everyone I work with like it was no big deal.  I’m sure people were asking questions about me and discussing me and thinking things and wondering and moving me from one box to another and on and on.  I had a mini-freakout at the start of the meeting, but that quickly passed.

Afterward, I got wonderful emails from a few people and they all said that the meeting went well.  Everyone seemed to be receptive and taking the news well.  Ok, I’m not sure if this happens a lot, but I guess most people were kind of pissed at how the meeting announcement was handled…like they were going to announce massive layoffs or something.  I’ve heard a couple of versions of this story from other trans-women.  So, I’m not sure how they should be announcing this sort of thing, but maybe they should include a disclaimer like, “oh and btw, no one is getting fired…except for you Larry, you’re horrible.”  So yeah, so far so good, right?  I am a little bit nervous about tomorrow, but I’m kind of all worried out.  Besides, everyone already knows, so there isn’t much more to worry about.

I guess I’m only worried about looking nice and what I’m going to wear.  And I don’t mean that in like a oh pooh, whateva shall I wear to the ball kind of worry.  Turns out, the big big, numero uno boss boss-type boss person is flying out from the mother ship and visiting us tomorrow.  So, now I have to pick something that looks nice, is business-casual, and won’t embarass me or my coworkers in front of the boss.  I was just going to wear jeans or something .

In other news, I got quite a bit done yesterday.  I got my new driver’s license and Social Security card and did some shopping.  I was pretty nervous at the first stop, but I felt a lot better by the end of it.  Today, I think I’ll go for a bike ride then do some more shopping 🙂 and get ready for tomorrow.  That’s it I guess.  I’m doing well and I feel like this might actually work out.

Mood: What’s the word?  Alright!
Music: The Replacements-Seen Your Video

Hey y’all.  I just got done working on the final draft of a letter to my coworkers and I thought I’d share it with you…because it’s, you know, important and stuff.  The backstory is that we’re going to have an all-hands meeting on Monday, May 4th.  My boss and our institute’s director scheduled the meeting to tell everyone about little old me while I’m out of the office on vaca.  I’m not sure about exactly what will go on at the meeting, but I assume there will be some frank discussion of me, my plans, what bathroom I’m going to use, the severe penalties to be levied against anyone that makes me the least bit unhappy or gets out of line, donuts, a few jokes, and a little bit of crying followed by a group hug.  But seriously, they’re going to use that time to talk about me and get everyone’s feedback on all of this without me being there…which seems like a good idea to me.  At some point, hopefully sometime after they’ve told everyone the reason they’re at the meeting, my boss will read this…

Hi Everyone,

Wow, when I started here almost two years ago, I didn’t think this day would ever arrive.  I’m sorry to have to drag you all down here for another boring meeting, but, hopefully, this won’t take long.  As Director and Boss said, I have decided to change my name and start back to work presenting as a woman.  The reason I’m doing this is because I’m what’s commonly referred to as transsexual or a person that has been diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder (GID).  A more clinical definition for transsexual is a person who strongly identifies with the opposite sex and may seek to live as a member of this sex especially by undergoing surgery and hormone therapy to obtain the necessary physical appearance. People with GID are different than and shouldn’t be confused with drag queens, hermaphrodites, cross-dressers, or transvestites.  And even though the word “sexual” is right there in the word, transsexuality has to do with how a person perceives their own gender and has nothing to do with their sexuality…there are lesbian, gay, and straight transsexuals.

I’m sure a lot of you are wondering why I chose to do this here and now. There are a couple of reasons, actually.  The medical community has established the Benjamin Standards of Care as a way to treat GID.  These standards ensure that a person is physically, mentally, and emotionally stable enough to handle hormone replacement therapy and surgery.  Before a person can obtain clearance for surgery, they must participate in what the Standards of Care refer to as a Real-Life Experience for at least a year.  During this time, the person must live successfully in their desired gender by completing a legal name change and functioning as an employee, student, or volunteer for the entire year.  After a lot of soul-searching and preparation, I finally feel like this is the right time to start living my life.

The other reason I decided to make this change here is that redacted feels like home to me.  I have wanted to do this for a long time but, before now, I had never found a place that was worth the effort.  I love my job and I feel honored that I’m allowed to walk in the building and work with all of you.  I love the people here and the work we do and there isn’t any other place I’d rather be.  If I want to make this my home (and I do), then I need to be honest with all of you.  I’m not trying to over share my personal life or demand any sort of special treatment.  I’m just trying to present myself as authentically as I know how from now on.

So what’s next?  Well, after the six hour long sensitivity training seminar and magic show…just kidding! Alright, let’s talk about when I come back to work on Wednesday.  After a nerve-wracking drive into work and a good ten minutes of freak-out time in the parking lot, I’ll walk inside.  I will look and sound a little bit different, hopefully better.  I’ve already legally changed my name to Anna (like Anne-a, not Ahhhhh-nah) Elizabeth (like Elizabeth) redacted so I’ll be busy for a while getting a new badge and filling out paperwork.  If you spot me in the hall afterward and would like to say “hi”, please do…I swear this is not contagious 🙂 You can call me whatever you’d like, but I’d prefer Anna and for you to use female pronouns like her and she.  I know this won’t be easy at first and it’s totally ok if you mess up.  I’d much rather have you mess up and talking to me than afraid to say anything at all.  You can ask me just about anything you want privately, in person, over lunch, via email, on the phone, two months from now, during a walk, over drinks, on my Facebook page, whatever.  Or, we can never speak of this again…it’s totally up to you.  So, other than having a different name and gender, looking different, sounding different, and being way more happy, friendly, and outgoing, I’ll be exactly the same person.

Ok, we’re almost done here.  So I guess I really only have two favors to ask.  The first is that you treat me with the same warmth and respect you show each other every day…nothing more.  The second is that we keep this information to ourselves.  I’m not embarrassed of who I am or what I’ve gone through, but I think I should decide who to tell and when.  We’re all adults and you’re free to behave however you wish, but, when you think about it, this really isn’t anybody else’s business.  It’s your business because I decided to make this change with you, my work family.  And like it or not, we all just entered into a giant, Meet the Parents-style circle of trust…but anyone else needs to earn their way in.

And we’re done!  Thanks for listening.  I’m really excited to see you all on Wednesday, and I hope you enjoy Boss’s magic show!

At this point, I’m pretty sure someone in the audience will start with the slow clap then it will build to a thunderous, standing ovation with a few shouts of “Author!” and some long stemmed rose-throwing mixed in.  What do you guys think?

Mood: Not sure really…ok, but partly cloudy?
Music: Portishead-Nylon Smile

K, so by now you have prolly all heard about how we have this new president (he’s the one in the picture) and how he’s really great and everything, right?  During his campaign, he had a slogan that was like, “Yes we can!” or “You betcha!” or “You know it, Brian!”

Want some more?

“You better believe it!”  “Who wants Mai-Tais?”  “In your face Ruskies!”

Barack Obama

Anyway, it was very popular and other people started using it to simultaneously show support for our nation’s newest president and project an air of hopeful industry.  So, a few weeks ago, our entire institute had a video meeting (which was my first one, kind of cool) with the temporary, boss-type du jour, woman at headquarters.  During the meeting she kept saying, “yes we can” when discussing challenges we may face in the next few years.  Then it dawned on me…oh no, now that she’s using it, we all have to adopt “yes we can” as the default answer for every direct question.  Failure to do so would certainly result in an early dismissal, or at the very least, public humiliation and reprimand.  I know it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal, but indulge me for a moment as I paint for you a word picture

That Guy: Hey Anna, would you do the technical review on this paper?

Anna: Yes we can!

That Guy: *laughs*  I’m sorry, did you just say, yes we can? I just need you to look at it if that’s all right.

Anna: *laughs* Oh, sorry.  Slip of the tongue.

That Guy: *laughs* Oh, no problem.  I still haven’t had my coffee yet. *laughs*.  So yeah, would you give me a call when you’re finished with that paper?

Anna: Yes *mutters under breath* we can.

That Guy: You just said it again, didn’t you?

Anna: What? No! *whispers* yes we can.

That Guy: You know we don’t actually have to say that every time, right?

Anna: Yeh…er…eep!  *runs away*  YES WE CAN!!!

See what I mean?  That could get me into a lot of trouble.  I don’t want to sound like a loon in front of that guy, but it will be three times as weird if I just mutely stare at him every time he askes me a question.  And what if someone asks me to do something inappropriate?  Ugh, is there still time to change jobs?


an introduction





Hi, I'm Anna and I love cheese!

This blog is a chronicle of my life and a catalog of happy ephemera. The About page has a little bit more information, but, remember, none of this is really me...it's just a supplement, a thumbnail sketch, a mostly anonymous Intarwebs placeholder. I'm way better/less wordy in person. :-)

Oh, and if I wrote something about you and you thought it was mean or hurtful, I'm sorry. It's how I felt at the time, but probably isn't how I feel now. Chances are, I love you and I think you're awesome.

copyright

All content on Blog, Sweet Blog is copyrighted by me, Anna Hell. Unless otherwise noted, all photos, words, and content on this site are mine, created by me, and should not be used without my permission (or at least attributed and linked back). I try to embed links or quote original source material if I use another person's work.

Click the button thing below to have a delicious li'l slice o' Anna cake* delivered to your emails inbox whenever I write something new!

*N.B. Anna cake contains neither Anna nor cake.

Join 3 other followers

sorted into tiny boxes

archives

i’ve been listening to…

favorite artists this week

flickr photos

More Photos

mah numbas

  • 44,013 hits
May 2017
M T W T F S S
« Jul    
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
22232425262728
293031