Blog, Sweet Blog

Posts Tagged ‘comedy

A continuing series of reposts from my tumblr page, annahell.tumblr.com.

Oh damn! As soon as I saw this, I knew that this was the golden comedy fleece from which the fabled Sweaters of Hilarity are knitted.

Is this inspiration enough for a joke off? THE ANSWER IS YES!

If you want to play along at home, write a joke and post it or submit it to me.  I’ll reblog the best!

•I’ll take ‘Worst Ways to Find Out Your Parents Don’t Love Each Other Anymore’ for $600, Alex.

Divorce Magazine has a strict no suicide/binge drinking/custody kidnapping editorial policy because those kind of stories just bring you down, man.

•Rejected Divorce Magazine article submissions:

So, your hubby’s making time with the Cootie Queen?

Spousal surveillance: a beginners guide.

Are you a stalker?  Take our quiz and find out!

Divorce: Still shitty after all these years.

Divorce Magazine can go fuck itself along with Dick Cheney.

•Music Legend Dan Hill Talks Relationships…THAT END IN DIVORCE.

•Ahh, memories…of my parents getting divorced. Also, therapy.  Lots of therapy.

A continuing series of reposts from my tumblr page, annahell.tumblr.com.

My chance to hop on the annoying Jesus bandwagon…

mary: OK, now really look this time. Do you see anything in my eye?

jesus: Hey Mary?

mary: Do you see anything?

jesus: Hey Mary?

mary: What?

jesus: Knock, knock

mary: Seriously? My eye really hurts, Jesus! Could you just do what I ask for once?

jesus: No, it’s cool, you’ll like this one. Knock knock.

mary: Ugh. Who is it?

jesus: *laughing* Jesus. It’s Jesus.

mary: Jesus who?

jesus: Jesus Christ would you shut the damn door already! HAHAHAHAHA.

mary: You’re an asshole.

A continuing series of reposts from my tumblr page, annahell.tumblr.com.

Starting from top left… 1. people 2. people 3. people 4. people 5. people, but very slowly 6. people, 3, 4, and 9 7. really slow people, other cows 8. man, all of the above 9. chili rellenos…also, people (via tasteslikestatic, mydarling)

Counting from left to right, top to bottom…

1. people

2. people

3. people

4. people

5. people, but very slowly

6. people, 3, 4, and 9

7. really slow people, other cows

8. man, all of the above

9. chili rellenos…also, people

Mood: fu-fu-fu-Friday! Caturday!
Music: Belle & Sebastian-If You Find Yourself Caught In Love



Ok, I’ll see you back home, Kelly!  Are you sure you’re ok to drive?  You had a lot of shots.
Julie!  Jooollly Jewels…I’m fine…really.  I only had those one four shots in tha bafroom after I threw up and-aww, you held my hair!  Remember when you held my hair? I love you Jewels. You know that, right?  You’re my best friend.
I know, honey.  Sooooo, you’re ok to drive?
Alright, alright, I’m going! Can we get burritos on the way home?  PLEASE Jewels?

WOO WOO
Issa cops! What the shit are we gonna do? I’m not going back to jail, Julie!
Would you relax, crazy! I’m sure it’s just a routine stop.  Stay quiet and let me handle this.

Evening , ladies.  License and registration please.  Do you know why I pulled you over?
I’m sorry, officer…here you go.  No…I was just following my friend home from the bar.  She’s had a rough night.
Have either of you had anything to drink tonight?
SHIT YEAH WE BEEN DRANKIN’!  You wanna party with us, sexy?!

Shut up, Kelly! I’m so sorry, officer.  I’ll-I’m going to drive her home.

That’s probably a good idea, but I’m still going to have to issue you a citation.  I’ll need to run these licenses…

You’re givin’ us a ticket?!  Do you know who I am? IMA SUE YOUR ASS…AND…YOUR...FUCKING LAWYER! INNA FACE, COP!
Ma’am, there’s no reason-
WHHHHAAAAATTTT? Don’t you call me”ma’am” you FUCKING…COP…PIG! I’m 27!!!   IMA MISS! You hafta call me Miss…like Miss, Miss, Missydemeanor Elvis *urp* Elliott, ASS!
CHOO CHOOOOO!
What the…seriously?
Kelly?  Is that you, dear?
Mom?
Hi, Mrs. Adams!
Oh hello, dear!  I didn’t see you over there. How are your parents?
BEEP BEEP

Taxi!

Oh this is bullshit! What the hell is going on up there?

Brad, don’t!

No, Jill, we’ve been sitting here for half a goddamn  hour. HEY! BEEP BEEP COULD WE MAYBE WRAP THIS UP?  WE’RE NEWLYWEDS BACK HERE!

Mood: fu-fu-fu-Friday!
Music: Belle & Sebastian-If You Find Yourself Caught In Love



The Naked Redhead did a very funny Awkward Moments post the other day.  I liked it so much, I decided to steal her idea and make it my own.  How’s that saying go?  Stealing is sincerely flattering?  Good artists steal, great artists steal more?  Stealing is the soul of wit?  I don’t know, whatever.  Sorry I’m not very good at “history” or whatever, you guys.

According to your heart x-ray, Mr. Evans, it looks like you have four...oops, sorry, three minutes to live.

1 little piggy, 2 little piggies, 4 little piggies, 6...7...DARREN!

I don't care what he says, there's no puppies in concrete.

In retrospect, the Gunther Grass "The Tin Drum" commemorative statuette seemed like a bad choice.

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

What do you mean you're "super-duper gay?"

Mood: guh
Music: Camera Obscura-Country Mile


https://i2.wp.com/www.latenightwithjimmyfallon.com/2009/12/01/tinafeyupdate.jpg

let's just pretend this is from a Joke Off segment from SNL's "Weekend Update"

I posted this on mah tumblr last night, but I’m having second thoughts about keeping it there.  I want that page to be different than this one…more visual, darker, dreamier.  I feel like the jokes have found a home here (in a wayward-home-for-lost-ideas sort of way) but words beyond poetry or lyrics seem alien over there.  I’m ok with that.  Maybe I’ll start a Molls-style tumblr at some point, but keeping it special and dark today feels right.  Until I get it figured it out, sorry for the cross posting.

Anyway…  Some of you may recall the recurring joke-off segment from the Tina Fey/Jimmy Fallon-era of Saturday Night Live‘s “Weekend Update.”  The premise was that the two would battle each other for who could tell the most jokes (not the funniest) on a topic in a certain time period.   I’m sure they wrote them ahead of time, but to me, it seemed like what it might be like to watch them pitching in a writer’s meeting.

I would love to make this a regular Blog, Sweet Blog segment, but, as I can’t recall any recurring segments on this blog, we’ll see how that goes.  The idea is that I’ll try to think up around five jokes in a short time (~15 minutes), then post them for your “entertainment.”  Feel free to chime in with your own jokes for this or any other topic.  Ugh, now that I’ve used the world’s longest, most unfunny setup to strangle the life out of this bit…

So, I’m in the middle of cleaning the house and I just got done with the main bathroom. It was so skeevy, it felt like the perfect topic for a joke-off, naturally.

My bathroom was so dirty…

-I seriously considered getting hooked on crystal meth to get the energy to finish cleaning.

-while I was cleaning, the executive producers of Hoarders called to pitch me a new show called Dirty, Dirty Slobs….because they wanted me to host…from my filthy bathroom…because it was so gross.

-the people that live in my head wouldn’t even go in there.

-a xxx fetish website emailed me a job offer. I had to tell them it wasn’t that kind of dirty.

-it made my mother cry.

-just writing this makes me want a to take a Silkwood shower.

Mood: la dee da
Music: Little House on the Prairie-“A Most Precious Gift”


tall, distinguished, famous...not pretty



Dear A

Mood: The usual
Music: Some stupid VH1 reality dating show


Look there! A visual metaphor for my hopes and dreams!



I got my first “professional” writing rejection today.

I sent this to the McSweeney’s Lists site last week and received a very nice rejection email  from the editor a few minutes ago.  I wrote it specifically for the site and I thought it was pretty good…not good enough, apparently.  I would have liked to know why they didn’t use it, but I’m sure editors never do that and the reason is probably “not funny” or “needs punctuation.”  It was my second submission, but I thought the first one was even less funny than this.  Oh well. I’ll keep trying.

So, since this piece has been officially released from the burden of McSweeney’s publication, I offer you…

A survey of alcoholic beverage bottle label motifs which portend certain dire, vomitous consequences for the hapless consumer should she or he choose to ingest intoxicating quantities of said beverage.

The angry sea captain

A werewolf, mummy, or other creature of the night

Two or more dogs, copulating

A clown, mime, or any member of The Insane Clown Posse

Senator Joseph Lieberman

Any currently-serving Supreme Court Justice

A road map

Any farming implement

A winking elf or gnome

A winking monkey, sloth, or porpoise

Anything winking, really

Jesus

*ed.  ok, I guess this isn’t that funny, but I was really happy with it when I emailed it off.  I think I can do better, but trying to write jokes or purposely funny stuff is a lot harder than I thought it would be.


an introduction





Hi, I'm Anna and I love cheese!

This blog is a chronicle of my life and a catalog of happy ephemera. The About page has a little bit more information, but, remember, none of this is really me...it's just a supplement, a thumbnail sketch, a mostly anonymous Intarwebs placeholder. I'm way better/less wordy in person. :-)

Oh, and if I wrote something about you and you thought it was mean or hurtful, I'm sorry. It's how I felt at the time, but probably isn't how I feel now. Chances are, I love you and I think you're awesome.

copyright

All content on Blog, Sweet Blog is copyrighted by me, Anna Hell. Unless otherwise noted, all photos, words, and content on this site are mine, created by me, and should not be used without my permission (or at least attributed and linked back). I try to embed links or quote original source material if I use another person's work.

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