Blog, Sweet Blog

Posts Tagged ‘ffffound

Mood: Like they’re out of sprinkles
Music: Mates of State-La’hov

I’m still a little bit sad (and mad for some reason), but don’t worry, it’s going to be alright.  As proof of my intentions, I offer you the following pretty pictures.

So, this isn’t an art blog or a suitable replacement for ffffound or KN or pick your own art/design/lifestyle website.  But I’ve learned the hard way that if you see something you like, it’s easier to grab it and document it at the time.  If you wait, it’s unlikely you’ll find it again.   The other reason I do it is because I like art and it’s a good way to share my aesthetic, which is a major part of my personality.  And so…

Her name is Evelin Kasikov and here is her website.  Her art combines typography and textiles and I’d totally like to copy it for one of my projects.

Printed Matter by Evelin Kasikov

Printed Matter by Evelin Kasikov

The next two are by Will Bryant for the Kitsune Noir Desktop Wallpaper project.

The next two are by Cody Hoyt.

cody hoyt drawing sketch illustration letter type

Finally, Are Mokkelbost from his set on booooooom.

are mokkelbost paper collage art artist artwork

I know I feel better.

Mood: Still.very.tired
Music: Nick Drake-Fruit Tree

Ugh, maybe I’m still more nervous and worked up than I was letting on.  I got like no sleep Sunday night and slept poorly this weekend so I was just a wreck yesterday.  I went to be bed early and took an antihistamine, but I still feel worn out and anxious.  I’m not sure whether I should attribute this to pre-full-time jitters or just poor health.  I brought my running stuff today and I’ll try to get to bed early again…hopefully that fix me.

So, that story about the trans discussion group meeting thing…um, before we get started, lets have a palette-cleansing photo…

f300cda45d76dfd0a3023793b6165b5be59.jpg picture by konferenzdertiere
Hipster chic or unfortunate coincidence?

Adorable, right?  That’s the picture I was looking for the other day.  I have a copy of it on my ‘puter, but couldn’t remember how to find it again on the intarwebs.  I originally saw it on ffffound, but it can be rilly hard to ffffind (lol) anything on there again.  Ready for another?

Here’s an album cover from a woman named Delia Derbyshire.

 /></a></p> <p>Gorgeous and apparently long out of print Delia Derbyshire library record.</p> <p>Spotted on <a href=
Shhh! I’m calculating a complimentary phase angle for a phat beat oscillator.

Delia Derbyshire had a degree in Mathematics, worked at the BBC Radiophonic Workshop, had an awesome name, and is considered to be an early pioneer in electronic music.  So, there’s that, but it doesn’t hurt that her album cover is lovely and modern (that’s her btw).

Ok, so are you ready?  This is going to be  a long one….

The friend I was going to the meeting with (for the sake of privacy, let’s call her Kaylee) picked me up at work and we drove down to the meeting.  I changed clothes and did my makeup in the car and Kaylee opted for the no-fuss, shorts and t-shirt look.  Even though traffic wasn’t bad, we made it to the meeting about ten minutes late (’cause that’s how we roll) and parked in the back of the GLBT center.  This particular center has a youth-outreach program so I think there are always a lot of yout’s hanging about.  Well, they were all hanging about in the back of the building in the parking lot where we parked.  Most of them were…well, you know how kids are these days…slack-jawed, gawking, hanging about, cracking wise, and being shiftless and generally without direction…probably stinky.  We got out of the car and walked past them to the front of the building.  I was a little bit nervous, but felt pretty good about things due to my incredibly low expectations and the fact that Kaylee was going too.  The center is upstairs, so we walked up a flight of stairs then stopped in the middle of the next.

Me:  What are you waiting for?

K:     Um…nothing.  Maybe you should go first.

Me:  Nuh, unh.  This was your stupid idea, you go first.

K:     Cha, as if.  This was totally your idea.

Me:  Do as I say!

K:     Fine!

So, we make our way to the desk and ask the two guys where the…you know…[whispering] trans meeting was.  They pointed to a rectangular-shaped assortment of furniture behind the main desk.  Everyone at the meeting (all three of them) was sitting at one corner of the furniture group.  Kaylee and I wanted to, you know, bond with them, so we sat at the extreme opposite side of the furniture arrangement.  There were two older trans women there and what looked like a very young girl.  One of the older women introduced herself (let’s call her Amber, because she kind of had a stripper name) and bid us welcome.  I introduced myself and Kaylee, trying to set the tone for the evening, introduced herself in her deepest voice.  I was surprised but kept my feelings to myself.  In turn, the other woman (Jennapher Sillymadeuplastname) introduced herself and then introduced Michael (the very young girl, who was actually a neophyte trans guy and kinda looked like he was so nervous he was going to die).

Amber asked if we had any issues that we’d like to bring up.  I looked over at Kaylee for help because I don’t speak support group and had no idea what she was talking about.  Did she mean…was I fed up with The Man and those Fat Cats in Washington (yes)?  …did I need an American Sign Language interpreter (no)?  …was my skin really, really dry (not since winter)?  Since Kaylee returned my askance with only a stony stare, I answered Amber with a smiling shrug.   To move the meeting along, both women gave us a short transition-level synopsis (see, I told you…both were post op I think, both had been on HRT and out at work for a while and honestly who cares?).  One of  them asked me where I was at and I told them that I was about to go full-time at work.  Kaylee opted out of sharing.  Before the meeting, I had decided that, no matter how lame it was, I would try to make nice and be sociable.  I won’t say I’m always confident and in control of new group situations, but hours and hours of awkward social and professional interaction since graduation have taken the edge off.   So I wasn’t having any sort of problems at the meeting.

Apparently, that was our last chance to say anything.  From then on, we listened as Amber and Jennapher told us all about every single unbelievably personal factoid they could recall.  I don’t have the strength or courage to try to form all of these shocking tidbits into a narrative, so I’ll just make a list…

-Amber had been in therapy since 11, still goes, and thinks that trans people should have a lot more therapy…like years.

-Her breasts were size F (they weren’t) because she forgot about the effects of HRT before having a breast augmentation.

-She’d had genital surgery to save her life from something, but did not have a vaginal CANAL!!! NO VAGINAL CANAL!!! AAAGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!! I know, I’m still throwing up.

-Apparently both of them belong to about 30 trans and LGB organizations and I’m a horrible person and loser for not doing the same.

-She’d been at the Angie Zapata trial all week (and this was the day the guilty verdict was handed out) showing her support.

-She transitioned right after her wife died.

-She showed me a picture of her (when she had a beard) and her dead wife (no, she was still alive in the picture).

-She used to be a truck driver and was now doing something with the GLBT center…not exactly assimilated into general society.

-Jennapher was ex-Army and somehow got the VA to pay for her prescriptions and counseling and “almost an orchiectomy!

-She had also been homeless recently and was trying to start her own church group.

-She was wearing a short skirt (above the knee) and, unfortunately, I saw her underwear a lot.

-Both of them were nicely dressed, but a little bit too nicely, if you know what I mean.

-Amber told me all about the various TG events around the country and told me often how I should be going to them like she did.  At one point, I aksed her why I should be going (not trying to be mean, just asking) and she said it was just really great to hang out with other TG people (which includes a lot of cross-dressers), get dressed up, and blah blah blah.  A quick aside…it may seem like splitting hairs, but for those of you that don’t know, cross-dressers (CD) are very different from transsexuals.  CDs are generally straight men that like to wear women’s clothes as some sort of sexual release.  Some of them eventually figure out that they are transsexual (it can be hard to figure this out) and opt to have surgery.  But most of them are very happy being men and can never disassociate sex from wearing women’s clothes.  So, if you’re keeping score at home, I don’t feel that way and I don’t see any reason to associate with cross-dressers.  I may attend one of these events at some point in my life, but I definitely don’t feel like I’m missing out.

-At one point I told her I had thought about going to the Trans March before Gay Pride in San Francisco and she kind of put it down as a waste of time.

-She told me all about what makeup to buy and recommended it because it was something that drag queens wear.  Ok, I don’t have a problem with drag queens in general, but their makeup can be…rather thickly applied.  I am familiar with makeup and even wear it on occasion.  But, I’m trying to go for that “less is more” kind of look, you know?

-Ugh, what else…they encouraged me to remember to have regular prostate exams and told me about their colonoscopies and sigmoidoscopies (and I threw up in my mouth).

-Amber told me about how she had spent like so much money on laser hair removal and kind of gave me the pity eyes when I told her I was doing electrolysis.

-Finally, they encouraged me to remember that all of this transition business is fraught with peril at every turn and things could go horribly wrong and a lot of women end up killing themselves even after transition is over…but have fun with it!

At many times during the lecture, I looked over at Kaylee either because I was throwing up or about to LOL all over the place (thus sharing my true feelings).  A lot of the time, Kaylee was out of the room doing something else (talking to Michael).  When she was there, she always gave me the same “omg did she really just say that” smile.  So it was great having her there and made the whole thing much easier.  At one point, she texted me with, “Please shoot me.  This is so lame.”  It was horrible, but I was determined to stay until the end of the meeting.

Oh, and at some point in the meeting, this trans person that Kaylee had been supporting showed up.  I think I’ve explained it, but people like to pair us with each other.  “Oh, you’re trans, do you know my friend blah blah?” I understand it, but that’s not really a great basis starting a friendship.  Kaylee and I go to the same place for electrolysis (but have different operators) and recently, both of them have set us up with newbie trans people.  My operator asked my permission first and then sent an introductory email…which was thoughtful.  Kaylee’s operator just kind of made her talk to him on the phone one day…I know, wtf right?  Since then, it seems like he’s been wringing every ounce of support he can from her.  And that’s hard.  It’s important to have a support system and people to lean on when things get bad, but it’s easy to abuse it too.  We all have our own problems and varying levels of crazy and it seems like it’s easy to overextend yourself.  So yeah, he (and I say he…he identified as a trans woman but wasn’t trying to show that) was there and was talking to Kaylee a lot during the meeting.

So, the end of the meeting came and I was so ready to go.  I got a business card and contact information from both of the women and gave them the slip when they asked for mine.  I grabbed Kaylee (before she could invite whatshisface out with us) and we walked downstairs to the exit.  Outside the door, we couldn’t hold it in any longer and just started laughing and making jokes.  We drove back to my place and I made dinner for us both while we dissected the evening.  It ended up being a really fun night and I had a lot of fun playing Xbox with Kaylee, but O.M.G. that meeting was a bad way to start.  Unless someone would like to go back and needs a buddy, there is no way I’ll return.

an introduction

Hi, I'm Anna and I love cheese!

This blog is a chronicle of my life and a catalog of happy ephemera. The About page has a little bit more information, but, remember, none of this is really's just a supplement, a thumbnail sketch, a mostly anonymous Intarwebs placeholder. I'm way better/less wordy in person. :-)

Oh, and if I wrote something about you and you thought it was mean or hurtful, I'm sorry. It's how I felt at the time, but probably isn't how I feel now. Chances are, I love you and I think you're awesome.


All content on Blog, Sweet Blog is copyrighted by me, Anna Hell. Unless otherwise noted, all photos, words, and content on this site are mine, created by me, and should not be used without my permission (or at least attributed and linked back). I try to embed links or quote original source material if I use another person's work.

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February 2023