Blog, Sweet Blog

Posts Tagged ‘HRT

Mood: Wubba wubba Wednesday
Music: Current 93-Red Hawthorne Tree


Sort of...in a way



Holy cats, you guys!  I’m actually writing a Blog, Sweet Blog post for its own sake and not just reposting mah tumblrs.  Don’t get me wrong, tumblr is my new spiritual home and the place I spend most of my time, but we’ve been through a lot, this blog and I, and I can’t stop loving it just because its not tumblr. Besides, this post is relevant to Blog, Sweet Blog‘s interests, which is why I’m posting it here first.

It’s my anniversaries!

I started this blog (well, posted first anyway) on April 23, 2008, or  2.0767 years ago, give or take. I can’t begin to tell you how important this blog has been to me.  It wasn’t ever about attracting readers or experimenting with practical narcissism (those came later).  I’ve always considered this blog to be a safe place for dumping the crazy, discussing whatever, and letting the air out of my head.  I’ll be getting to this in a minute, but it’s easy for me to forget how turbulent the first six months of HRT were for me.   I had just ended a three year long relationship with, until that point, the person I loved most in the world and I was in the middle of chemically altering my body and mind.  I felt unhinged most of the time and happysadangryhyperdepressedenergeticlazy the rest — but not in a bad way, if that makes sense; it felt right and weird.  Anyway, I don’t think I would have done as well if I hadn’t blogged and exercised.

My little blog, bless her, has changed with me.  I’ve struggled with moving from more of a personal/transition journal to an everything blog featuring my thoughts and creative work.  I’m still not sure of where I want to take it, but I  kind of like that it’s all over the place.

I started HRT on June 6th, 2008.  I had started some other transition processes before then (started seeing a therapist, my doctor), but I think it’s fair to call that date the start of my transition.  So, let’s see, that makes me 1.097 years old, in a way.  I won’t ever be celebrating my “new birthday” (the old one is just fine) but I do keep the date on my calendar.  Like I said above, a lot has happened since then (here are the big ones).  I think the process of transition is never ending, but I feel much closer to the end almost two years later.  There are still more physical changes to endure (bottom surgery, the neverfuckingending weekly electrolysis), but I feel like I might have finally graduated to late puberty, at least emotionally.

The last anniversary occurred 1.0548 years ago when I changed my name and started back to work as the real me, the girl named Anna.  Life has gotten kind of weird since then, but work has always felt like a safe place.  I’ve had better and worse days, but no one has ever made me feel uncomfortable or anything but loved and valued.  I know that my experience, sadly, is not the norm and I can’t fairly attribute the ease of my work transition to any more than luck…ok, maybe a little bit of preparation and moxy helped :-).

Still, I’ve struggled with my career choice.  I really don’t think I would have become an engineer if I would have transitioned earlier.  I’m not 100% sure I’ll stay an engineer until retirement, but I feel a lot better about it than I did a couple of months ago.  If I won the lottery or totally stopped caring about my current life, I’d move to New York or Paris and trade engineering to become a professional artist/bon vivant/salonnière/cultural maven/woman-about-town.  There aren’t any plans to move in the near future, but I’m working on my writing and art in the meantime, just in case.

So that’s it, you guys, happy anniversary/birthday to me and Blog, Sweet Blog!!!  I hope the following years are way easier/better than the last two.

Mood: pretty alright
Music: za Wintry Olympeaks



One of the awesome (not awesome) things about HRT is that I get to have fun with puberty all.over.again.  Remember  puberty?  Remember how everything was so intense and awkward and profound and boring and amazing and miserable and lovely and like it was all taking forever?  That’s every week for me.  I feel like I’m totally in sync with all the 16 year old girls in the world who wear too much eyeliner and always keep a copy of Prozac Nation and The Virgin Suicides on their nightstand; mah tumblr followings seem to agree.  And that can be kind of…inconvenient(?) when you play a 30-something engineer lady in real life.

Some days/weeks/months are better than others.  This last time was hard, but not hard enough to do me in, I guess.  I’m feeling better, and I think it motivated me to finish these…

now we can be together forever by anna hell


eternity by anna hell


They’re photographs and I first tried them a few years ago.   Click the photos for the rest of the series.  I know they’re kind of lazy art (though I’ve seen much lazier), but I think they’d make nice embroidery pieces at some point.  Lazy or no, I’m still happy with how they turned out and I feel like this most recent, bleak period was the only time I could have finished them.  So there.

Also…I can’t stop listening to this song.

Well, I’m off to make a get-well card for my mother.  Have a lovely weekend, everyone!

Mood: Retrospective
Music: Superchunk-Saving My Ticket

Hey there Deirds, long time no write.  Well, I have been plenty busy and writing a lot, just haven’t been writing in here.  I just picked up my fourth prescription so I thought I’d post some new pictures and talk about the effects HRT have had on me so far.  On to the pictures…

*ed. note:  Yes, these are also personal…and wholly unflattering, therefore they will not be included.

Obviously my hair is a bit longer.  It looks like I have more hair on top but it might just be the longer hairs looking like there’s more coverage up there (ugh).  My chin is a little bit more distinct and actually looks like a separate entity from my neck.  The shape of my face looks a bit different, but it’s hard to describe.  It might just be that I’ve lost more weight.  The hair on my upper lip is killing me but I have to grow it out for my weekly electrolysis sessions.  It’s nice that Luanne was able to get that last little patch on my chin.  I don’t know, I’m getting happier with what I see in the mirror/camera, but it’s slow.

Regarding the other body changes…my skin is definitely softer and more thin (I can see the veins underneath easier), more dry as well.  I’m noticing a lot of little wrinkles on my face and I don’t know if that’s due to aging (sigh) or the fact that my skin is thinner and more dry.  My hands get dry easier…it’s almost like a prune hands feeling.

As I said before, my breasts are kind of out of control right now.  I know it’s because I have a lot of body fat right now.  They’re still kind of misshapen like man boobs, but it’s easy to see that there’s more going on than that.

The hair growth on my forearms, chest, and around my navel seems to have slowed down a bit.  Right now, I shave every week, so it’s easy to track my hairs’ progress.  I’ll be so glad when I can go more than a week without shaving and not have it be really noticeable.

Emotionally, I’m still about the same.  Actually, looking back, that first month was pretty hard…like I felt pretty sad or felt like I needed to have a huge cry while I was exercising.  I haven’t felt that like that for a few weeks at least.  I’ve felt either mellow or really happy/giddy, which has been a nice change of pace.  My motivation is pretty high.  I’ve been able to get a lot of stuff done at home.  Work is a different story though.  I feel like I’ve been way more interested in YouTube than getting any work done.  I think the problem is that I’m having a hard time getting started on this new software project and it kind of freaking me out.

What else…I may have mentioned it before, but either my sense of smell has increased or my tolerance for bad smells has decreased significantly.  Like last night, I was walking around the house try to sniff out the source of some foul odor that has permeated the house.  I think it might be the rotting chicken (yes, I know, eww) that’s in the trash in the garage, but I’m not sure.  Hopefully that clears off when the trash gets picked up tomorrow.  If it doesn’t, I’m going to have to burn the house down and start fresh somewheres else…lol, jk!

I may have mentioned this before as well, but my appetite seems to have increased.  Like sometimes, I’ll just find myself at the refiregerator grazing on something and I’ve made oatmeal raisin cookies twice in the last five weeks!  Thankfully, I’m still exercising, not really dieting though.  I’d hate to think what I’d be like if I wasn’t.  Speaking of, I’ve decided that I’m not going to lift weights any more.  I might do some yoga or pilates, but it’s going to be mostly walking, hiking, or bike riding from here on.  I’d rather start from a place of reduced muscle mass and fat and then build from there.  I’m also trying to eat more good carbs (whole grains, vegetable, etc) and less protein and fats.

Oops, gotta go Deirds.  I’m going to call Mom when I get home.

XOXO,

Anna


an introduction





Hi, I'm Anna and I love cheese!

This blog is a chronicle of my life and a catalog of happy ephemera. The About page has a little bit more information, but, remember, none of this is really me...it's just a supplement, a thumbnail sketch, a mostly anonymous Intarwebs placeholder. I'm way better/less wordy in person. :-)

Oh, and if I wrote something about you and you thought it was mean or hurtful, I'm sorry. It's how I felt at the time, but probably isn't how I feel now. Chances are, I love you and I think you're awesome.

copyright

All content on Blog, Sweet Blog is copyrighted by me, Anna Hell. Unless otherwise noted, all photos, words, and content on this site are mine, created by me, and should not be used without my permission (or at least attributed and linked back). I try to embed links or quote original source material if I use another person's work.

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