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Posts Tagged ‘john

Mood: Feistytired
Music: Descendents-M16


glittering, savory by anna hell



Well, I’m back from Las Vegas, a few dollars poorer, but richer for the experience, insert your own cliché.  More on that later, promise.  In the meantime, let’s talk about about some recent goings-on with my ex.

So, if you’re just tuning in, I broke up with my first, post-transition boyfriend at the end of January.  I was/have been kind of sad about it, but these things happen.  I feel loads better now and I suppose this is as good a “writer’s experience” as any.  We traded a few hurtful emails for a week after breaking up, but I hadn’t contacted him or heard from him since then.  He sent me a hey! what’s new? email, apropos of nothing, last Monday.  That was weird all by itself, but the fact that he made me feel like he was just catching up with an old friend after a few weeks apart instead of randomly pinging a person who’d had feelings for him and who had willingly touched his penis made it seem extra awkward.

We have a history, him and I, officially.  We didn’t part on the greatest of terms and we certainly didn’t agree to remain friends.  Throughout my life, I’ve observed a strict as-soon-as-we-break-up-I-don’t-want-to-see-you-or-hear-from-you-or-think-about-you-ever-again-seriously policy.  I started to reevaluate that with my previous ex.  It seemed wrong to cut out such an important part of my life.  I’m beginning to believe that these people’s presence in my life is/has been meaningful and necessary.  I think learning to value that is better than hiding from pain. I relayed my newfound love for ex-loves to him in a meagbitchy, accusatory way…

[Redacted],

I know you’re “not trying to ‘sell’ anything” but you contacting me out of the blue, like nothing ever happened is weird for me and a little hard to deal with.  I haven’t contacted you since we broke up because I didn’t want to talk to you, not because I felt like I had to stay away or give you space.  Are you trying, in some ham-fisted, obtuse way to say that you want to be friends?  I don’t know, maybe.

For the record, I love emails.  I sent you a lot of them, remember?  I don’t care for text messaging, but it has its place and I like them even better if they’re a precursor to a phone call.  I’m kind of meh on the Skype thing with you.  If you want to talk to me, why don’t we just get coffee or something?  I can like throw a rock at your house and it seems totally absurd to use Skype if we don’t have to.

Regards and such,


Anna



Ugh.  I think I could have managed a nicer, more diplomatic response but I am a woman scorned and them’s my feelings, y’all.

I’m not opposed to being friends with him, but our history gets in the way.  I’m funny…it’s like I hold my friends to a higher standard of behavior than my lovers.  So, where a boyfriend’s inability to express himself is merely annoying (at first, anyway) it can be the reason to end a friendship.  His foibles were charming and tolerable when we were intimate, but now they’re all dealbreakers.

If you haven’t guessed, his awkward attempt to reach out/make me crazy/whatever totally rubbed me the wrong way.  Combine that with the online dating winners I’ve encountered recently (oh, just you wait, my pretties) and I kind of feel like giving up on guys.  Are all of them developmentally disabled when it comes to expressing themselves?  Is this how it’s going to be?  Like, if you’re interested in me and want me in your life, is a little wooing with the nice words too much to ask for?  Apparently.  I haven’t heard back from him.

Maybe it’s me?  Maybe my pre-surgery standards are too high?  Maybe I am the megabitch ice queen who’s incapable of settling and doomed to a multi-cat spinsterhood?  I wish I knew, Internets.  If I did, I’d just go ahead and adopt another kitty right now.

I think it’s more likely that I’m a complex, complicated, somewhat damaged, skittish, too-smart-for-her-own-good girl who will find her other half, eventually.

Mood: Olympish!
Music: some Winter Olympics sports coverage


my feelings, let me show you them



So…not in a great mood on this, our most made-up of holidays.  I broke up with John for reals last Monday.  I know, shocking, right?  How could such a precarious, ill-fated pairing not last forever?

We were only months into our relationship and we were still some time away from reaching any of the big relationship milestones (exchanging i love you‘s, meeting family members, etc.), but it’s still hard.  I think we always look into the mirror of intro-retrospection after a breakup.  Was it my fault?  What did I do wrong?  Am I unlovable?  In my heart, did I know this is where we’d end? For the record, the answers are: not really, dunno, no, and yes.  I also thought about my previous ex and filtered the horrendous, wrenching end of that relationship through the end of this one…which is soooo fun.

I’m not going to go into the sordid details of the breakup.  I don’t hate John and I’m not about to cast aspersions and sling the mud.  I think our end had more to do with us being at different places in our emotional lives than anything else.  He’s recovering from a five year old divorce and I’m still really new to all of this.

The actual end came shortly after our first serious fight.  It was about something silly and random but that trivial thing was the perfect illustration of everything that was wrong with us.  It all just fell apart from there.  I think it was a good place to part ways, but those almost accidental endings seem so jarring.

Despite what my embroidery says, I’m not all bitter and angry.  I’m lucky to have the love of my family and friends and I very much value their presence in my life.  Then again, things are pretty awful right now, so I feel like engaging in a little bitter, dark, vulgar embroidery is totally justified…at least for one day.  I’ll do something cuter tomorrow, promise 🙂

I just found this excellent reminder to help us keep it all in perspective…

All the heart-shaped boxes of chocolate goodness will be half off tomorrow. Treat yourself.

LOL, good one, Dottie.

Mood: Sick Sick Sicks
Music: the menu music from the (500) Days of Summer DVD


[merci.jpg]

Fresh, hot wonderful from the blog, Early Bird Special




Hey guys,

I’m in one of those moods.  I’ve been home sick for the last two days and melancholy, saturnine, lugubrious, and wistful (mostly wistful) for the last 11,680 days…give or take…and super-all-those-adjectives since Friday.

John and I just finished watching (500) Days of Summer and it made me feel ways about things.  I thought it was an ok, not great, movie, but it was inspirational enough for me to be writing about it now in lieu of the post I had planned on the joys of needle craft and the online beauty and wonderment I have recently beheld.  Stay tuned for that.

So, these feelings I’m having are about my life and the way it’s going.  There was a pivotal scene in the movie where the young man decides he’s (spoiler alert) had enough of his dreary, greeting card writing lifestyle and decides to, once and for all and finally, give his dream of architechting architecture a go.  I know, it’s a pretty played-out plot device, but as I was watching, rolling my eyes, I wondered, what would happen if I stopped rolling my eyes for a minute and actually, really tried to follow my dreams?  What would happen if we all did that?

I don’t mean to say we should all quit our jobs, move to Portland, and start an indie love rock band, but what if we found a way to work really hard at the one thing that made us happy?

Why aren’t we doing that, right now?

What are we all afraid of?

Because that’s what it is.  It’s fear.  Fear of…something…is keeping us from opening up that amazing cupcake shop, or going to art school, or spending every single waking moment of every day listening to all the songs we want to hear with the  people we love most in the world.

I’m also not saying that we’re all Emily Dickinson and Georgia O’Keeffe superstars either; most of us are just Annas and Johns and Jennifers and Chris’s and we’re all waiting around for life’s surprise ending.

We may not change the world or get rich with our one passion, but I’ll bet you a breakfast burrito and everything I own that we each have the power to make at least one other person happier.  And if we can do that, then we have a good shot at making two, five, ten, maybe a hundred people happier, if only for a little while.  If you’re able to find a way to combine doing what you love and improving the way we all spend the time we have left, then you win.

I’ve talked a lot recently about how I’m small-stepping my way to these other dreams; but I’m still afraid.

I hate my job.

There, I said it.  I only say that because it’s not for me.  If I was passionate about engineering, every day would be amazing, fulfilling, and rewarding.  But I’m not and it isn’t.  I think I can find a way to limp through it, but I hate lies and that is not a long-term, lie-free solution.  I’m afraid of losing it and being without money and unloved and wholeheartedly committing to the one or two things I actually feel some passion for.  If I put my everything into doing what I love and failed, what would be the point of going on?  I guess the knowledge that I actually, really tried for once would help me pick myself up and learn how to be marginal at a job I didn’t care for.  Maybe that’s good enough?

I don’t know, but I think we all need to spend this year figuring out how to let go and be amazing.

Mood: Supertastic
Music: New Scandinavian Cooking-“Varmland: Christmas Buffet”


Looking down Denver's 16th St. Mall, New Year's Eve 2009. Photo courtesy of denverpost.com



So, I pretty much had the best New Year’s Eve ever this year!  How about you guys?

Lil Big Johnny John John and I decided to spend the night in downtown Denver.  The were two fireworks displays (one at 9 pm, one at midnight) on the 16th St. Mall and hanging out with a lot of Denver on the street seemed like the perfect way to spend the holiday.  We stayed at a really nice hotel (The Westin) and made reservations at an amazing French retsaurant (BistroVendôme).  The fireworks, hotel, and restaurant were all within four blocks of each other, so we thought we’d check into the hotel early, “watch tv,” go to dinner, see the midnight fireworks show, then head back to the room to “drink tiny bottles of mini bar liquor.”

Dinner was tres bon!  LBJJJ and I had mussels, a potato and leak amuse-bouche, quiche with a tossed spinach salad, squab with chicken sausage and cabbage, and a red wine poached pear stuffed with a Gorgonzola cheese filling.  There were four courses and each was paired with a wonderful wine.

I made the dinner reservation for 10:30 in the hopes that we could have a nice, leisurely dinner then mosey/amble/saunter down to the fireworks.  We got to the restaurant early, but we had to wait for 15 or 20 minutes before a table in the main room opened up, but I so didn’t care.  The night had been going so well up until then and I was trapped in a glowing bubble of perfect night bliss.

We spent the dawn of the new decade (it’s weird to say that, bye 2000’s!) with funny hats and champagne in the restaurant, but again, didn’t care.  No amount of fireworks or crowds could have overshadowed the romantic night we were having.

Actually, we did see fireworks that night.  They shot them off the building right across the street from our hotel room and we watched the whole show from the window while we were “watching tv.”  C’est Magnifique!

After dinner, we went to a nearby bar for a few vodka drinks before the short walk back to the hotel. There were more good times, but I’m going to wrap it up here.  This is a family blog, y’all…use your imagination.

So yeah, Best.New Year’s.ever!  It wasn’t what we’d initially planned, but it turned out to be an extremely memorable, romantic holiday.

In other news, John and I both changed our dating site profiles to “seeing someone” and told Facebook we’re “In a Relationship” with each other.  So, I guess we’re like, official and stuff.  Squeeeeeeeeee!!!

Tune in next post for some wacky, yet obligatory New Year’s resolutions!

Mood: O Christmas tree, how lovely are your branches?
Music: Black Sabbath-Snowblind


Unicorn: Destroyer of Ponies! by Devin McGrath


One of the unintentional themes of my blog is that I hardly ever follow up on, or finish, any of my stories.  You may have noticed that I love to tease new ideas at the end of a lot of my blog posts, but I rarely come back to them.  Sorry, but I can’t really help it.  It’s like I get bored of the idea as soon as I type the words.  I don’t mean to, Internets and I realize that some sort of narrative thread is a good thing/piques people’s interest (although sweet unicorn art doesn’t hurt, am I right, people?).  In the spirit of turning that around, I offer you the following, vague update on my love life and maybe the metaphorical tying up of other, personal loose ends.

So, if you’ll recall (remember this and this?), the results of Internet Dating Sesh 1.0 were fail.  Internet Dating Sesh 2.0 has been going a lot better and by better, I mean I actually met someone…a guy someone!  …a real, human guy someone!  I’m not going to go into a lot of detail because I’m a firm believer in “personal privacy.”  Also, he reads mah blog and I’d rather not drag him into my unfettered, Innertubes fantasy world and then have to explain my crazy later on when I see him.  “Anna, why did you describe last night’s date as elfin magic?” See, Internets? It could get complicated.  So, I reserve the right to make vague, occasional references to him and the things we do, but it’s not going to be any kind of a regular Blog, Sweet Blog feature.

His name…ok, his nom de guerre, is John.  He’s a little older than me, a little bit taller, and he makes a good living at Internetting.  We’ve been seeing each other at least weekly since our first date on October 15th.  Holy elfin magic, we’ve been dating for two months! Amway, dating is hard, you guys, even under the best of circumstances.  I don’t think I’ve done the analysis for you, but it’s kind of a mega-long-shot for trans people to find someone who makes them happy.  We’re not a perfect couple by any means, and we still have some things to figure out, but I like John and he makes me happy.  It’s way too soon to speculate on the future and our roles in each other’s stories, but for now, we’re definitely dating 🙂  Oooh, maybe I should change my dating profile to seeing someone?  Or maybe there’s a setting for…”Fuck off losers!  I hate you all and I’m off the market so stick it in your cram holes.  Have fun being single and alone and crying all the time, nerds.  Also, suck it.” That may be a tad wordy/curse-y, but them’s my feelings, y’all.

We went to dinner and a movie on Saturday and it was a good news/bad news kind of night.  The good news is that I had a wonderful time and the Moscow Mule (with fresh ginger, cucumber, and lime)  is my new favorite drink.  The bad news is that Cormac McCarthy’s The Road is not a good date movie and it haunted John all the way home.  If your lady friend suggests seeing it, you should politely suggest a more upbeat alternative.  Perhaps a holiday movie with one of those young people everyone is always talking about or some cute li’l animals?  I lobbied hard to see it (yes, I am a weird girl) and I thought it was a good movie, but yeesh…welcome to Bleaksville.  I can’t wait to read the book!

K, so that’s enough about me and my sickeningly sweet, RomCom of a life.  What else is new?  Well, funny you should ask…I’m getting a new tattoo! I’ve thought about this for a long time now.  I have one tattoo on my arm and I got it when I was 18.  I always wanted to get more (or get the old one removed), but I held off for some reason.  I think I was hoping I would eventually transition and I didn’t want to have a bunch of gnarly, dude tattoos all over the place.  I think I’m ready to continue on with the ambitions of my youth.  I’ll post some art or pictures when I have them, but it’s going to be something about Odin’s two ravens, Huginn and Muninn, but cuter and it’ll be somewhere on my frontspiece…like where the arm meets the chest, one on each side.

I want to have Sandi Calistro do it.  I sent her an embarrassingly-detailed description (they should be about two inches high, not realistic, stylized, but not tribal, mostly black, but with some color, they should each be clutching something like ribbon, but they should both be different, etc. Ugh, even I think I’m bossy.) a few days ago.  Update! I just called her and we made an appointment for a consultation next Tuesday, but her tattoo appointments are booked until like, March.  That  sucks.  I was hoping to get it much sooner than that, but that must mean she’s really good.

Hmm, I thought I had a lot more to wrap up than this.  Oh, my grad school class ended last week.  I never wrote about it again because it was slap-yourself-in-the-face-with-a-shovel boring.  The team project was good (we did a project notebook for a tech startup), but the lectures were not worth the 15 minute walk to campus.  So, I skipped class all the time and turned in a bunch of last-minute genius every week before the start of class.  I got an A but I didn’t collect any amusing class anecdotes.

I’m still not sure what I’m going to do about graduate school.  I took this class for credit as a non-degree graduate student.  It would count toward a major if I could ever decide on one, but I can’t.  I could do a Master’s in Electrical Engineering, Telecommunications Engineering, or get an MBA or Engineering Management degree, but those all sound about as appealing drinking hot wax, over and over again.  Applications for next Spring are due in January, but I don’t feel like finishing one.  Honestly, you guys, the only thing that interests me right now is something in the Arts and there’s a 99% chance of no way my workplace would pay for that.  So, I’m stuck and thinking about what to do/not do next.

Fuck, this is long, sorry.  Re: McSweeney’s, I would love to post all of the hilarious stuff I’m submitting to them, but I should wait until it ever/never gets published.  Oh well, if something gets rejected, I’ll post it here, promise.  Other than all those words about the things, stuff is awesome, I’m très heureux, and loving the Christmas and whatnot.

K, that’s it, for reals…tune in next time for exciting tales of excitement and me not recapping the things I ought to!

Happy holidays!


an introduction





Hi, I'm Anna and I love cheese!

This blog is a chronicle of my life and a catalog of happy ephemera. The About page has a little bit more information, but, remember, none of this is really me...it's just a supplement, a thumbnail sketch, a mostly anonymous Intarwebs placeholder. I'm way better/less wordy in person. :-)

Oh, and if I wrote something about you and you thought it was mean or hurtful, I'm sorry. It's how I felt at the time, but probably isn't how I feel now. Chances are, I love you and I think you're awesome.

copyright

All content on Blog, Sweet Blog is copyrighted by me, Anna Hell. Unless otherwise noted, all photos, words, and content on this site are mine, created by me, and should not be used without my permission (or at least attributed and linked back). I try to embed links or quote original source material if I use another person's work.

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