Blog, Sweet Blog

Posts Tagged ‘joke off

A continuing series of reposts from my tumblr page, annahell.tumblr.com.

Oh damn! As soon as I saw this, I knew that this was the golden comedy fleece from which the fabled Sweaters of Hilarity are knitted.

Is this inspiration enough for a joke off? THE ANSWER IS YES!

If you want to play along at home, write a joke and post it or submit it to me.  I’ll reblog the best!

•I’ll take ‘Worst Ways to Find Out Your Parents Don’t Love Each Other Anymore’ for $600, Alex.

Divorce Magazine has a strict no suicide/binge drinking/custody kidnapping editorial policy because those kind of stories just bring you down, man.

•Rejected Divorce Magazine article submissions:

So, your hubby’s making time with the Cootie Queen?

Spousal surveillance: a beginners guide.

Are you a stalker?  Take our quiz and find out!

Divorce: Still shitty after all these years.

Divorce Magazine can go fuck itself along with Dick Cheney.

•Music Legend Dan Hill Talks Relationships…THAT END IN DIVORCE.

•Ahh, memories…of my parents getting divorced. Also, therapy.  Lots of therapy.

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Mood: guh
Music: Camera Obscura-Country Mile


https://i2.wp.com/www.latenightwithjimmyfallon.com/2009/12/01/tinafeyupdate.jpg

let's just pretend this is from a Joke Off segment from SNL's "Weekend Update"

I posted this on mah tumblr last night, but I’m having second thoughts about keeping it there.  I want that page to be different than this one…more visual, darker, dreamier.  I feel like the jokes have found a home here (in a wayward-home-for-lost-ideas sort of way) but words beyond poetry or lyrics seem alien over there.  I’m ok with that.  Maybe I’ll start a Molls-style tumblr at some point, but keeping it special and dark today feels right.  Until I get it figured it out, sorry for the cross posting.

Anyway…  Some of you may recall the recurring joke-off segment from the Tina Fey/Jimmy Fallon-era of Saturday Night Live‘s “Weekend Update.”  The premise was that the two would battle each other for who could tell the most jokes (not the funniest) on a topic in a certain time period.   I’m sure they wrote them ahead of time, but to me, it seemed like what it might be like to watch them pitching in a writer’s meeting.

I would love to make this a regular Blog, Sweet Blog segment, but, as I can’t recall any recurring segments on this blog, we’ll see how that goes.  The idea is that I’ll try to think up around five jokes in a short time (~15 minutes), then post them for your “entertainment.”  Feel free to chime in with your own jokes for this or any other topic.  Ugh, now that I’ve used the world’s longest, most unfunny setup to strangle the life out of this bit…

So, I’m in the middle of cleaning the house and I just got done with the main bathroom. It was so skeevy, it felt like the perfect topic for a joke-off, naturally.

My bathroom was so dirty…

-I seriously considered getting hooked on crystal meth to get the energy to finish cleaning.

-while I was cleaning, the executive producers of Hoarders called to pitch me a new show called Dirty, Dirty Slobs….because they wanted me to host…from my filthy bathroom…because it was so gross.

-the people that live in my head wouldn’t even go in there.

-a xxx fetish website emailed me a job offer. I had to tell them it wasn’t that kind of dirty.

-it made my mother cry.

-just writing this makes me want a to take a Silkwood shower.

Mood: la dee da
Music: Little House on the Prairie-“A Most Precious Gift”


tall, distinguished, famous...not pretty



Dear A

Mood: Like one of them robots
Music: The Beatles-Happiness is a Warm Gun


loading dock dusk by anna hell


ed. This post has nothing to do with my current, mostly awful state of mind.  I wrote it a few months ago and never got around to finishing it.  I hadn’t posted in a while and this was 75% done, so I decided to use it in lieu of discussing recent events and talking about my feelings and whatnot.  Enjoy!

Sometimes, I talk to my cat, Torrie.  And by “talk” I don’t mean we have long, in-depth conversations on the state of the American health care system or that we engage in timed, joke-off competitions. No.  For one thing, Torrie shares my longing for a single-payer, European-style, socialized medical system; not much to talk about there.  For another thing, cats have almost no sense of humor. Fact.

No, by “talk to my cat,” I mean I sometimes verbalize random thoughts and the cat stares back at me with a mix of 90% blank incomprehension and 10% formulating a plan to kill me and take over the house.

So, I was talking to the cat a while ago and I mentioned something about the weather, something like…

“Can you believe how cold it is, Torrie?  And it’s only November!”

But it could just as well have been…

“Can you believe how hot it is, Torrie?  And it’s already September!”

…or…

“Can you believe how much it’s been raining, Torrie?  And Colorado is an arid state!”

…but we all know I was really trying to say…

“Can you believe I’m talking to you, Torrie?  I think I’m losing my mind!

And there, under the glaring, embarrassing spotlight of self-realization, I finally accepted the fact that I am becoming an old, crazy person who sometimes talks/complains to her cat/other people about the weather.

It’s sad, really.  I’m a thoughtful, college-educated, modern woman and I was raised by thoughtful, educated people who taught me the lessons of polite, WASP-y conversation early and often.  One should never discuss politics, religion, income, sex, or the weather in front of guests or mixed company. I know talking about the weather is like hitching a ride to Dullsville (so then, writing a blog about it must be like buying property and joining the Dullsville PTA), but I just can’t help it.

It’s so effortless!  Perhaps it has something to do with my long-lost agrarian ancestry?  Now, I’m not aware of any farming ventures in any of my family’s past (I think we’re mostly made up of merchants, bons vivants, adventurers, and the idle poor), but it’s positively ridiculous to imagine that a distant part of my family hasn’t had their hands in some soil, somewhere.  Maybe my inane weather chatter is my body’s way of telling me to “get back to the land” or that “modern life is rubbish?”  I don’t know.  I wish my body would just speak up sometime…and use complete sentences.

In conclusion, I am getting old, crazy, and boring and I’m somewhat ok with that.  If you should happen to become ensnared in a discussion with me that has taken a turn for the climatic, have pity on me…and help me change the subject…to Art or something….I like Art.


an introduction





Hi, I'm Anna and I love cheese!

This blog is a chronicle of my life and a catalog of happy ephemera. The About page has a little bit more information, but, remember, none of this is really me...it's just a supplement, a thumbnail sketch, a mostly anonymous Intarwebs placeholder. I'm way better/less wordy in person. :-)

Oh, and if I wrote something about you and you thought it was mean or hurtful, I'm sorry. It's how I felt at the time, but probably isn't how I feel now. Chances are, I love you and I think you're awesome.

copyright

All content on Blog, Sweet Blog is copyrighted by me, Anna Hell. Unless otherwise noted, all photos, words, and content on this site are mine, created by me, and should not be used without my permission (or at least attributed and linked back). I try to embed links or quote original source material if I use another person's work.

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