Blog, Sweet Blog

Posts Tagged ‘McSweeney’s

Mood: The usual
Music: Some stupid VH1 reality dating show


Look there! A visual metaphor for my hopes and dreams!



I got my first “professional” writing rejection today.

I sent this to the McSweeney’s Lists site last week and received a very nice rejection email  from the editor a few minutes ago.  I wrote it specifically for the site and I thought it was pretty good…not good enough, apparently.  I would have liked to know why they didn’t use it, but I’m sure editors never do that and the reason is probably “not funny” or “needs punctuation.”  It was my second submission, but I thought the first one was even less funny than this.  Oh well. I’ll keep trying.

So, since this piece has been officially released from the burden of McSweeney’s publication, I offer you…

A survey of alcoholic beverage bottle label motifs which portend certain dire, vomitous consequences for the hapless consumer should she or he choose to ingest intoxicating quantities of said beverage.

The angry sea captain

A werewolf, mummy, or other creature of the night

Two or more dogs, copulating

A clown, mime, or any member of The Insane Clown Posse

Senator Joseph Lieberman

Any currently-serving Supreme Court Justice

A road map

Any farming implement

A winking elf or gnome

A winking monkey, sloth, or porpoise

Anything winking, really

Jesus

*ed.  ok, I guess this isn’t that funny, but I was really happy with it when I emailed it off.  I think I can do better, but trying to write jokes or purposely funny stuff is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

Mood: O Christmas tree, how lovely are your branches?
Music: Black Sabbath-Snowblind


Unicorn: Destroyer of Ponies! by Devin McGrath


One of the unintentional themes of my blog is that I hardly ever follow up on, or finish, any of my stories.  You may have noticed that I love to tease new ideas at the end of a lot of my blog posts, but I rarely come back to them.  Sorry, but I can’t really help it.  It’s like I get bored of the idea as soon as I type the words.  I don’t mean to, Internets and I realize that some sort of narrative thread is a good thing/piques people’s interest (although sweet unicorn art doesn’t hurt, am I right, people?).  In the spirit of turning that around, I offer you the following, vague update on my love life and maybe the metaphorical tying up of other, personal loose ends.

So, if you’ll recall (remember this and this?), the results of Internet Dating Sesh 1.0 were fail.  Internet Dating Sesh 2.0 has been going a lot better and by better, I mean I actually met someone…a guy someone!  …a real, human guy someone!  I’m not going to go into a lot of detail because I’m a firm believer in “personal privacy.”  Also, he reads mah blog and I’d rather not drag him into my unfettered, Innertubes fantasy world and then have to explain my crazy later on when I see him.  “Anna, why did you describe last night’s date as elfin magic?” See, Internets? It could get complicated.  So, I reserve the right to make vague, occasional references to him and the things we do, but it’s not going to be any kind of a regular Blog, Sweet Blog feature.

His name…ok, his nom de guerre, is John.  He’s a little older than me, a little bit taller, and he makes a good living at Internetting.  We’ve been seeing each other at least weekly since our first date on October 15th.  Holy elfin magic, we’ve been dating for two months! Amway, dating is hard, you guys, even under the best of circumstances.  I don’t think I’ve done the analysis for you, but it’s kind of a mega-long-shot for trans people to find someone who makes them happy.  We’re not a perfect couple by any means, and we still have some things to figure out, but I like John and he makes me happy.  It’s way too soon to speculate on the future and our roles in each other’s stories, but for now, we’re definitely dating 🙂  Oooh, maybe I should change my dating profile to seeing someone?  Or maybe there’s a setting for…”Fuck off losers!  I hate you all and I’m off the market so stick it in your cram holes.  Have fun being single and alone and crying all the time, nerds.  Also, suck it.” That may be a tad wordy/curse-y, but them’s my feelings, y’all.

We went to dinner and a movie on Saturday and it was a good news/bad news kind of night.  The good news is that I had a wonderful time and the Moscow Mule (with fresh ginger, cucumber, and lime)  is my new favorite drink.  The bad news is that Cormac McCarthy’s The Road is not a good date movie and it haunted John all the way home.  If your lady friend suggests seeing it, you should politely suggest a more upbeat alternative.  Perhaps a holiday movie with one of those young people everyone is always talking about or some cute li’l animals?  I lobbied hard to see it (yes, I am a weird girl) and I thought it was a good movie, but yeesh…welcome to Bleaksville.  I can’t wait to read the book!

K, so that’s enough about me and my sickeningly sweet, RomCom of a life.  What else is new?  Well, funny you should ask…I’m getting a new tattoo! I’ve thought about this for a long time now.  I have one tattoo on my arm and I got it when I was 18.  I always wanted to get more (or get the old one removed), but I held off for some reason.  I think I was hoping I would eventually transition and I didn’t want to have a bunch of gnarly, dude tattoos all over the place.  I think I’m ready to continue on with the ambitions of my youth.  I’ll post some art or pictures when I have them, but it’s going to be something about Odin’s two ravens, Huginn and Muninn, but cuter and it’ll be somewhere on my frontspiece…like where the arm meets the chest, one on each side.

I want to have Sandi Calistro do it.  I sent her an embarrassingly-detailed description (they should be about two inches high, not realistic, stylized, but not tribal, mostly black, but with some color, they should each be clutching something like ribbon, but they should both be different, etc. Ugh, even I think I’m bossy.) a few days ago.  Update! I just called her and we made an appointment for a consultation next Tuesday, but her tattoo appointments are booked until like, March.  That  sucks.  I was hoping to get it much sooner than that, but that must mean she’s really good.

Hmm, I thought I had a lot more to wrap up than this.  Oh, my grad school class ended last week.  I never wrote about it again because it was slap-yourself-in-the-face-with-a-shovel boring.  The team project was good (we did a project notebook for a tech startup), but the lectures were not worth the 15 minute walk to campus.  So, I skipped class all the time and turned in a bunch of last-minute genius every week before the start of class.  I got an A but I didn’t collect any amusing class anecdotes.

I’m still not sure what I’m going to do about graduate school.  I took this class for credit as a non-degree graduate student.  It would count toward a major if I could ever decide on one, but I can’t.  I could do a Master’s in Electrical Engineering, Telecommunications Engineering, or get an MBA or Engineering Management degree, but those all sound about as appealing drinking hot wax, over and over again.  Applications for next Spring are due in January, but I don’t feel like finishing one.  Honestly, you guys, the only thing that interests me right now is something in the Arts and there’s a 99% chance of no way my workplace would pay for that.  So, I’m stuck and thinking about what to do/not do next.

Fuck, this is long, sorry.  Re: McSweeney’s, I would love to post all of the hilarious stuff I’m submitting to them, but I should wait until it ever/never gets published.  Oh well, if something gets rejected, I’ll post it here, promise.  Other than all those words about the things, stuff is awesome, I’m très heureux, and loving the Christmas and whatnot.

K, that’s it, for reals…tune in next time for exciting tales of excitement and me not recapping the things I ought to!

Happy holidays!

Mood: Fa la la, fa la la, Christmas!
Music: Tight Bros From Way Back When-Show Me






Perhaps you’ve heard of a little, genius, and at times, ridiculously funny Internet and print publishing venture known as McSweeney’s? If you haven’t, for shame, Internets, really.  Please click the following links to increase your knowledge of “actual post-modernism at its finest” and let’s not let this sort of thing happen again, hmm?

The McSweeney’s Wikipedia page

The Official McSweeney’s site

A page about LOLcats

Anyway, McSweeney’s, love.  I’m no expert on English literature or literary journals, but McSweeney’s is the sort of literary journal a girl like me can really get behind, you know?  It has amazing writing, great art, interesting topics and guests, and it doesn’t seem to take itself too seriously….which is like the literary equivalent of turning lead into gold…because it’s so hard…since they’re always so serious and stuff.

I think I first heard of the site around 2004.  This is one of the first things I read…

P U N C H L I N E S   S U G G E S T E D
B Y   A S H T O N   K U T C H E R
F O R   P U N K ‘ D T H A T
W E R E   R E J E C T E D
D U E   T O   T H E I R
A R C H A I C   N A T U R E .

BY AFROOZ FAMILY

– – – –

You’ve been hoodwinked!

You have been beguiled by my cohorts!

You are the victim of our flimflam!

You, unfortunately, are the jestee!

You are the one who was hornswoggled!

It is you the gomeril!

The previous contingency was an apery!


…and it still makes me laugh, every time.  They’re all good, but I think the last one is my favorite…apery!

The other day, I decided that I want to become a published by McSweeney’s author, either by the Internet site or the journal.  I’m funny…ok, amusing, at least…and the writing on the site is exactly the sort of writing I’m interested in.  I studied the website submission guidelines (small steps, y’all) and had a look at Blog, Sweet Blog‘s back catalog.  You know what?  I do not write like a person who writes for McSweeney’s, at all!  Nope, not even a little bit.  I think I could, maybe, but I’m going to have to start from scratch.  Besides, I have it on good authority that they will not accept “previously published” works, and that includes anything I’ve posted to my blog.  Nevermind.

So, I guess I’m trying to say I’m working on some pieces to submit to McSweeney’s.  The website doesn’t pay anything and I’m not really doing this so I can lord it over all of you (just watch though, I’m totally going to lord it over all of you if I get a book published).  No, this goes back to something someone said to me some time.  I can’t recall any of the details, but I do remember this quote:

“If you want people to see/love your work, you should submit it to places and show it to people.”

Those are wise words, Anonymous Stranger and I’m trying to follow your advice.  As usual, I’ll let you all know if something happens.

Happy Holidays!

p.s. yes, that’s supposed to be falling snow on the site.  It’s not an eye seizure.

Mercimerci

an introduction





Hi, I'm Anna and I love cheese!

This blog is a chronicle of my life and a catalog of happy ephemera. The About page has a little bit more information, but, remember, none of this is really me...it's just a supplement, a thumbnail sketch, a mostly anonymous Intarwebs placeholder. I'm way better/less wordy in person. :-)

Oh, and if I wrote something about you and you thought it was mean or hurtful, I'm sorry. It's how I felt at the time, but probably isn't how I feel now. Chances are, I love you and I think you're awesome.

copyright

All content on Blog, Sweet Blog is copyrighted by me, Anna Hell. Unless otherwise noted, all photos, words, and content on this site are mine, created by me, and should not be used without my permission (or at least attributed and linked back). I try to embed links or quote original source material if I use another person's work.

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