Blog, Sweet Blog

I eat a long walk for lunch most days.  Prior to transitioning at work,  I would jog or walk by myself.  Since then, I usually walk with a friend from my division who’s office is across the hall.

I like cultivating the mystery as much as the next girl, so let’s think up a nom de plume for my office friend.

How about Fonzie? No, that’s stupid.  He’s nothing at all like Arthur “The Fonz” Fonzarelli.

Star Boy?  The Captain of Outer Space? Mmmm, no…too Home Movies-y (but I do love me some Home Movies).   Nice try though.

What about Ted or Teddy? Hmmm, short for teddy bear, reminiscent of Theodore Roosevelt (our nation’s third-sexiest president), Father Ted, fun to say,…that’s it!

Back to the exposition…My solitary lunchtime adventures always seemed like a sort of exorcism, a time away from my thoughts and demons.  Nowadays, walking is an opportunity to connect with another human, laugh, and talk some jive (wow, I actually used “jive” in an irony-free manner).

So, the other day, we’re walking, talking the jive, monkey-shinin’, and Teddy says something about how a person with my old name had something in common with what we were talking about e.g., “Oldname used to walk alone for lunch all the time.”   I wasn’t sure who Teddy was talking about.  Their are few Oldnames at work and Teddy knows most of them.  After a few seconds, I realized that Teddy had spoken of this person a few times before and that this person was probably me.   It was an odd realization, a little bit like attending your own funeral.  I made a snarky comment about being referred to in the third person then promptly forgot about it until later that night.  Later that night (lol), I revisited my snark and unease.  I decided that I didn’t like being referred to by my old name when I was standing right there.

Look, I realize that a lot of this is uncharted territory and that, sometimes, rules have to be made up and broken as needed.  It’s a weird thing to have to delineate the “before” and “after” in my life and I totally understand if someone messes it up as badly as I do.  But still, when you’re talking to me about what I used to wear, I think you can just say, “You used to dress like homeless clown.”  In fact, unless we’re talking about something, biologically male, so to speak, I think it’s ok to say something like, “Anna used to love boxing chickens.”  I don’t think it’s going to mess anything up.

He wasn’t trying to be mean or insulting, but Teddy justified its use by saying that since I was asking people to accept me as this whole other person, it was only right to clearly separate the “then” from the “hence.”  Teddy also believes that people shouldn’t be allowed to change their names or genders on their birth certificates (much more on that later).  So, it’s not uncommon for us to “disagree.”  I countered with the old, “but I’m still the same person” chestnut.  I kind of feel like the same person (ok, not really), but I’m starting to think that’s a half truth, cop out.  It’s bedtime (and my cat is snoring, adorable!), so I’ll save the pre- vs. post-transition identity theory for another, possibly nonexistent, point in the future.  But, what do you think?  How have you handled this situation?  Did it get up your nose like it did mine? Do you still feel like the same person? 

Yawn.  Let’s put a pretty bow on this…when it comes to me and my feelings, logic is always going to have a tough time.  It’s prolly easier to just shut up and do what I say. 🙂