Blog, Sweet Blog

Posts Tagged ‘stress

Mood: Like somebody’s got a case of the Mondays
Music: Misfits-Night of the Living Dead

I figured it’s been long enough since you read about my feelings, so a little recap is in order.  The short version (but we all know you come here for the long stuff) is that everything is still going well.  I had some first day jitters again on Monday, but the rest of the week was much better.

Wednesday, I had two meetings, which was a first since I’ve been back.  The first meeting was for an awards committee I volunteered for.  The committee was made up of people from outside my division.  Three of them were from other divisions and the last was from one of the other organizations here on campus.  So, the people from the other divisions had presumably been to the meeting and heard all about me.  The guy from the other organization had no idea, so it was an interesting experience.  And there were only five of us, so I had to like, speak up and offer my opinions about who I thought should get this award. Later that day, I had my semi-weekly editorial review board meeting.  And that went well too.  On Friday, my boss came up to my office to check in on me and make awkward small talk.  He’s funny.  He always shuts the door so as to maximize privacy, but our walls are so thin, my neighbor can actually hear my hair growing.  So he’s not turning my office into a cone of silence, but I appreciate his discretion.

Outside of work…I still feel uncomfortable a lot of the time.  It’s like I need to try harder because I don’t know the outside people.  I still get out and run errands, but it’s nowhere near as easy as it was, say two years ago.  That’s getting better too, but I’d like to move on already.

I was still really tired during the day for most of the week.  I’m still thinking this is due to the stress of always being “on” and the low-level worry that goes with it.  My sister made a good point the other day when she said that the exhaustion could be a way for my body to reset itself from months of soul-crushing stress and worry.  I was able to get through Friday without violently falling asleep at my desk, but it was hard to stay up much later than The McLaughlin Group (omg I love that show).  So, I’m going to try and listen to what my body is yelling at me and take it easy for the next n days.

So far I’ve managed to get to work (but not on time), feed myself, and run a very few errands whilst looking presentable, but that’s it.  The house was a total sty by the end of the week, I still have about 132 more errands to run, and I couldn’t figure out a way or find the energy to exercise at all.  I’m still driving to work as getting it together enough to take the bus still seems, mathematically speaking, like a nontrivial problem.  So that’s the goal for the weeks to come…try to figure out how to manage the rest of my life without having to dump everything on Saturday.  My electrologist suggested that I should try to do one small thing (like vacuum) per night during the week after work.  I’m going to try doing that.  It actually upsets me when I let the house go and it usually means something is broken in my life.

So yeah, no more dumping on Saturdays.  I have electrolysis most every Saturday morning and, up until now, I had been playing Miss Mopeypantsfeelsorryforherselfallday, because, you know electrolysis is awful.  But that has kind of lost its luster of late.  The weather is getting to be the awesome and I’m looking less and less like a hamburger-faced freak afterwards, so maybe I should just buy myself an apology doughnut on Saturdays and get on with the rest of my life.  I have a four day weekend (neener, neener) this week and I’m going to try and have a good time with it.

In other news,

Is your cat plotting to kill you?

Mood: Meh
Music: Nature and Organisation-Death in a Snow Leopard Winter

OMG Deirdre,  sorry it’s been so long.  A lot has happened in my life since we last “spoke” but I haven’t had any sort of inclination to write about it (obviously).  I think the biggest news is that I’m going to send my coming out packet to HR today.  I’ve been working on the letters and files I’m going to give him and boss for a while now.  I had a weird flash of insight last night and decided that I should give my stuff to HR today.  See Deirds, the problem is that I have my mid-year reviews next week and I’m having a hard time deciding on when I should drop this bomb on Jeff.  Like, it seems to be overloading the review process to come out to boss during our review but it seems…dishonest to withhold it until right after my review is done.  So, I’m going to tell (rather mail him the packet) HR about it today and see if he has any advice…you know, from a pro HR perspective.

So yeah…eeep!  I have been having kittens over this whole coming out thing for well over  a month now.  To say that this is just stressing me out is such an understatement.  Like, my doctor noticed that my blood pressure and heart rate were high a couple of weeks ago when I went in for a checkup.  I’m guessing that wasn’t due to some psychosomatic fear of doctors or their offices.  Oh well, it will all be over soon enough.  Then I’ll be happy, right?  Right?  Well, I think happier at least.

Despite all of my complaining, I think this is a good time to come out and I feel ready.  I have a lot to get through before then, but there isn’t anything major (compared to telling your boss).  I  am very close to completing my legal name change.  I got the FBI background check back in about 20 minutes and the CBI check in about a week.  I called the court and found out that I can see the judge on the same day I bring in my paperwork (double eeep and omgwtf am I going to wear?!).  After that, I can submit my publish order to a teeny paper I hope no one I know will ever read.  They’ll run the notice for three days and then send me the proof.  After that, I go back to the court, the judge signs the order, and biggity bam, I’m Anna Elizabeth for reals and forever more.  It’s scary to think about how easy that seems.  And it’s been sort of freaking me out because there isn’t really any going back from there.  Not that I want to, but you know, scary.

In other tales of vomit inducing dread, I mailed off my coming out packet to HR like I said I was going to.  It’s funny, throughout all of this, I’ve discovered that I’m very good at setting goals for myself and then finishing them by the deadline.  A few lines ago I said I would mail my staff to HR and I did it, just like I said!  I have sticktoittiveness by the bushel, I do.  Now if I could only channel my motivational superpowers to work or art or music…I would run this country.  So, back to HR…I hadn’t heard back from them yet, which I hate.  I freaked out all day and refreshed my email about every second.  I really hope he contacts me tomorrow and isn’t like out of the office for weeks on vacation.  I think I would have gotten an out-of-office reply but…see what I’m doing here?  This is how my mind has been unraveling all day since I put that folder in the mail.  I can think of 2933 possible outcomes and it’s making me the even more crazy.  Like I said, he’d better get back to me tomorrow.  I can’t be held responsible for what I’ll do if he makes me wait until Monday.

What else…I emailed a hair salon about setting a consultation appointment.  They do hair loss stuff there already and are known to be trans-friendly.  I have been trying for weeks to contact a stylist my electrologist told me about, but I haven’t ever heard back from her.  I’ll be damned if I’m going to just walk into her shop like some yokel off the street.  No thank you.  Geez, why am I so angry?  Not that you would know Deirds, but I’ve been mostly sweetness and light for months now.  I guess it’s the stress talking.  So yeah, the hair issue has been stressing me out and, until now, there hasn’t been any plan for it.  That’s it really.  As far as transition goes, I don’t need to initiate any other processes and I should be able to take it easy for a while.

I have been reading a lot of other women’s going-FT stories online and they were adding to my stress too.  It seems like a lot of them were talking to HR months and years before going full time.  I asked for a month and was beginning to wonder if that was enough time.  Then I chatted with Becca today and she said she’d only asked for a month as well.  I feel better now.  I just need to get through my review meeting somehow and all of this should work out, right?

So, the reason I’m writing this now is because, as I said, I’ve been reading a lot of other girls’ blogs that have been going through the same thing.  Suddenly I felt bad that I haven’t been obsessively documenting every second of my transition.  For the record, I don’t really feel bad.  I’ve just been out there trying to live my life, such as it is.  The mechanics of transition are pretty much the same anywhere, so I’m not adding anything new there.  Still, I guess it’s important to have a record of how I’m feeling about all of this.  I think we covered the stress part, but I also feel happy about how things are moving.  Actually, this is one of those situations where I feel all of the conflicting emotions at the same time, but I’ve had a lot of time to get used to feeling that way.  I am happy that things are moving ahead.  I’m also afraid that I’m making an irreversible mistake and that I’m not ready.  I think I am ready, but I suppose there will always be some doubt.


an introduction





Hi, I'm Anna and I love cheese!

This blog is a chronicle of my life and a catalog of happy ephemera. The About page has a little bit more information, but, remember, none of this is really me...it's just a supplement, a thumbnail sketch, a mostly anonymous Intarwebs placeholder. I'm way better/less wordy in person. :-)

Oh, and if I wrote something about you and you thought it was mean or hurtful, I'm sorry. It's how I felt at the time, but probably isn't how I feel now. Chances are, I love you and I think you're awesome.

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All content on Blog, Sweet Blog is copyrighted by me, Anna Hell. Unless otherwise noted, all photos, words, and content on this site are mine, created by me, and should not be used without my permission (or at least attributed and linked back). I try to embed links or quote original source material if I use another person's work.

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